Which Drag Race Winners Could Take Andrew Tate

By: Speshell Hall

With the bomb threats from Tyra Sanchez looming over the studio, RuPaul knew what needed to be done. The LaLaPaRuza lip-sync smackdown flopped and the “it’s chocolate” bit only lasted so long. Ru needed something new. He needed something fresh (he also needed to prepare a blood sacrifice for the World of Wonder CEO). He turns to the hilarious Ross Mathews and nods. Ross makes a call. The studio lights dim and the runway lights up. Raven and Jujubee drag a body across the stage; it’s clearly a man but his face is covered. He’s kicking and screaming. Michelle can faintly hear a “let me go you queers” from under the bag on his face. 

“Bring back my girls,” Ru commands.  

Twenty-two people pile onto the stage (pretend any winner would ever return for this bullshit), but Violet Chachki stops in her tracks. The stench of a straight man is filling the studio.

 “That straight one must be in here,” Violet says, referring to the lucrative Maddie Morphasis, but the reality is far worse.

“Silence,” Ru says. “My winners. I’ve brought you here today for the ultimate game. The winner of this game will receive $300,000 and a lifetime supply of PrEP; courtesy of Anastasia Beverly Hills. The task? Destroy this man.” 

Raven pulls off the bag to reveal Andrew Tate. The queens gasp. 

“Good luck and don’t fuck it up.”

Okay, now that I’m done with this dramatic fanfic-esque intro. I truly believe some of the winners of Drag Race will not only be able to make A*drew T*te cry, but also contemplate suicide. Let’s start with the obvious. Sharron Needles and Tyra Sanchez will not be on this list. I will also include All-star winners because why not? However, I have no international queens on this list because who is paying to watch Drag Race? Not me. I present to you: 5 Drag Race winners that could Take A*drew T*te.

5. Trixie Mattel

If we're talking physical fighting, Trixie could definitely land a few punches. Being from the backroads of Wisconsin, Trixie has definitely punched a bitch in the face once or twice. Being a fierce Mojo Dojo Casa House member, A*drew T*te would probably be so shocked by Trixie's makeup that he’d let his guard down. Thus, allowing Trixie to land a punch straight to his nose; hopefully breaking it. Paired with the demonic cackle Trixie would let out after, this would be the beginning of his much deserved death by drag queens.

4. Violet Chachki

Violet would go with the insult route; too classy to actually get physical. A*drew T*te would probably start spitting slurs, which Violet would absorb, multiply, and fire back at him. He’s probably trying to hit her with the “you like this because your father didn't love you” and the “you’re exactly what's wrong with society.” The judgmental look always plastered on Violet’s face would probably make him feel insecure, since his goons aren't there to back him up after every ridiculous claim. She would probably utilize the fact that not one person believes A*drew T*te is actually straight. This is me sidetracking but is that not the gayest man you’ve ever seen? He’s so DL it actually hurts, those muscles are fooling no one. Anyways, Violet would obliterate him, coming for all his insecurities and belittling him until he begins to question everything he knows. 

3. Alaska Thunderf*ck

Alaska would gaslight him, since I doubt she cares enough to actually talk some sense into him. Men like him can’t stand on their own so, again, without his followers there to “oooh” and “that's so true man” after he speaks, he’s weak. Not only that, but Alaska’s vocal fry would throw him off. I can just imagine the “hi, I’m Alaskaaaaaaaaa.”  Here's a controversial opinion: If Alaska were straight, they’d 100% be a T*te supporter. I mean, to date Sharron Needles for years says something about you… The twist of this episode is Alaska saves A*drew and smuggled him to a basement in Palm Springs.  

2. Bob the drag queen

Bob would make a monetized podcast trying to convince A*drew T*te to see the light, but ultimately just start to drag him. Picture this: “Do you really think people like you?” Bob says with a raised eyebrow. It’s been about 5 hours and T*te would begin experiencing hallucinations and fatigue. The alkyl nitrites from the poppers littering the room and cocaine dust floating around the main stage are hitting him hard. Bob is still asking him questions that ruin his perception of himself. “Why do you think your mother doesn’t love you?” would be his last straw. 

1. Bianca Delrio 

For this one, you just have to be in the know to know. Bianca is notoriously known for being good at dragging people and making problematic jokes. She would pick at his scandals, misogynistic spiels, and taunt him about being in a room full of gay people. I can’t even come up with a joke Bianca would say because it wouldn’t do her justice.  

At this point, it's almost dawn and T*ate is staring at the wall while rocking back and forth. He’s given up trying to free himself; his mind is leaving him. He can’t even remember what color his Bugatti is. Bianca’s voice is fading in and out and he can feel his body weakening. As he collapses, he looks up to the ceiling wishing for death. Suddenly, Bob comes in for the final blow, “did you guys know his real name is Emory?”