Carcinogen Speedrun Any%: Licking The Rock On BU Beach Everyone Spray Paints
By: Ces Lodovico
INTERIOR: a living room, made to appear humble in the backgrounds of videos but the coffee table is worth more than you’d sell for on the black market - perfect setting for apology video]
YOUTUBER: (Shane Dawson voice) Hey what’s up you guys, yes: today I am covering a long-requested topic in my Boston Biohazards series – none other than that rock on BU Beach everyone spray paints.
YOUTUBER: We’ve already seen the effects of bathing in the COM lawn fountain water (tetanus, UTIs galore, other unidentified long-term repercussions) and sucking off Rhett (fungal infection, rabies, scabies, additional unidentified long-term repercussions), and if it’s anything like the last two, we’re in for a real treat.
YOUTUBER: So without further ado, let’s jump right into it.
[EXTERIOR: Camera is now being held by a cameraman, panning across students spread out across BU beach. It zooms in on a frat fundraiser, advertising the opportunity to pie the brothers of Alpha Beta Omega. “I’d like to get in on that!” can be heard in background before camera gets back to YOUTUBER]
YOUTUBER: I’m here with my team and totally SHOOK by the amount of students here. Like none of them are really that attractive because my preferences skew younger, but I’ll live. I want to know who spray painted this last. Hey, get this. Excuse me?
YOUTUBER taps the arm of a passerby who takes off her Airpod Maxes to say “Sorry, I don’t have any cash on me,” before putting them back on and strutting towards Marsh Plaza.
YOUTUBER looks at camera with a stupid fucking expression. CAMERAMAN pans down to rock, which is covered in cum from Alpha Beta Omega’s last Cum-A-Thon.
YOUTUBER: Um… Well that happened! Let’s see… the rock says “CUM ON THE ROCK”. Should I lick it? I’m gonna do it, oh my God…
YOUTUBER leans down, tongue sticking out while CAMERAMAN watches with bated breath.
CAMERAMAN: Dude, are you sure you want to do this? I mean, dogs probably pee on that thing… and with all the cum…
Before CAMERAMAN can finish speaking, YOUTUBER has already pressed the entire surface of his tongue to the brightly colored rock. He stands up.
YOUTUBER: Kinda sour.
Cut to YOUTUBER fixing the camera before sitting down across from it, apology video-style. YOUTUBER looks visibly ill. His skin is jaundiced and hallowed. Dirt is caked under his fingernails and tear stains mark his cheeks.
YOUTUBER: It’s been two weeks. Two weeks since I licked that rock. And I’m… not doing too hot. I’ve started seeing and hearing things that aren’t there. I believe I am the surrogate to a family of wolves that I met the other day when I was called to the woods by the mother’s crestfallen, infertile howls. Her sadness really spoke to me, it’s like I knew her in a past life.
Cut to YOUTUBER in the woods. Jessie J’s “Domino” is playing faintly from an unknown location. YOUTUBER is covered in ulcers and tumorous masses, running on all fours being followed by three wolf pups.
YOUTUBER: I’m feeling sexy and free..
Cut to black.
FIN.