FitRec’s “Healthy Blends” Cafe Replaced with Almond Mom Calling You a Little Lazy Useless Slacker

By: Kai Farr

BOSTON- The university-wide fitness center recently instituted a cost-efficient way to keep athletes motivated, sources confirm.

         “She just kinda stares and judges you,” said Kayla Turner (CAS ’24). “I think it’s the passive aggression that’s been the most effective.”

         This effective solution is mid-30s yoga instructor and mother of three, known only as Almond Mom. This unnamed woman takes laps around the gym, silently critiquing students of all shapes and sizes.

         “A big thing for us here was equity,” said Chad Santiago, a FitRec manager. “We didn’t just want her going after the sluggish ones; everyone deserves to be included in this exciting new program.”

The new fitness feature comes after the university’s failed attempt of implementing a “do you really need to eat all that?” prompt on the campus GrubHub app. Instead, Almond Mom takes a more personal approach, honing in on each individual’s physical insecurities.

         “We’re working with a very vulnerable population here,” said Santiago. “If you’re going to the gym at noon on a sunny day, there’s clearly already something deeply troubling about your self-image. We really wanted to tap into these student psyches and hit them where it hurts.”

         And Almond Mom does just that. From grabbing your love handles to telling you how she actually lost weight her freshman year of college, her comments will no doubt leave students staring into the mirror and contemplating their existence.

Some common phrases already reported include: “well they sure do feed you well here,” “you look… different,” and “someone’s got a chubby little tum tum!” 

Students are already feeling the effects of this new change, with many seeking alternative workout options.

“I think I'm just gonna go to Planet Fitness,” said Josh Cohen (COM ‘25). “I’ll probably have to see old man dick in the locker room but at least I won’t have to deal with this lady.” 

Although overall attendance to FitRec has plummeted since the change, those who have stuck around have increased their calorie burn by an average of 200%. 

“I haven't looked this good since inpatient!” said Mary Toole (CGS ‘27). “With this plus walking to and from Fenway each day, maybe I’ll actually make it into a sorority next spring.”

When asked to comment, Almond Mom gaslit the shit out of us.