The Sour Patch Kids called me a bunch of slurs and then introduced me to Björk: First they’re sour, then they’re sweet!
By: Doran Steinfeld
I used to always see the commercials of the mischievous little scamps known as the Sour Patch Kids™ and I would always let out a little chuckle watching them. Now, imagine my fear when I return to my dorm to see three LIFE SIZED Sour Patch Kids™ standing there silently (only red, orange, and yellow. I don’t know where the fuck green and blue were, and now I’m scared shitless that they’re gonna pop out and get me later.). It was terrifying. Their soulless eyes and empty smiles stared me down as I just stood there in fear. As soon as I motioned to speak, however, the red one ran up to me and body slammed me into the wall as the other two Kids™ laughed. They then each took turns punching me in the face and calling me various slurs repeatedly (two of which I had never heard before and am now too scared to look up). I had no clue there were that many slurs for me, a gay jewish gluten free guy (one of the slurs was made up, but was definitely towards gluten free people).
Once it was clear I had had enough, they picked me up and placed me on my bed. As I looked up, to my horror, I saw the faint outlines of the three schmucks slowly looming over me. I could also make out the red Kid(™)'s freaky eyes widening as I heard in the most creepy voice, “Have you ever listened to Björk?” As I was on the verge of collapsing into a coma, I was not able to respond. But I’m not quite sure the Kids™ understood this, as after that each of the Kids™ were non-stop asking me if I had heard of Björk. “Oooooh ya! Björk! We LOVE her…” “You know, she's a gay icon! She’s done so much for people like you!” “How can you be a f***** and NOT listen to Björk?!” They then assumed (correctly) that I had never heard of Björk, so to fix this, they pulled out the NEW iPhone 15, (made of Titanium, FREE if you switch to T-Mobile today!) turned the volume up the highest it could go, and turned on the album Homogenic. They then proceeded to sit on my roommate’s bed and watch me listen. And honestly - it was some of the best music I had heard. I swear I ascended to a different mortal plane listening to Bachelorette, and somehow, when the album was over, all my injuries were completely healed. The Sour Patch Kids™ left me with a list of the essential albums to listen to next and then dipped. Yesterday, my best friend Olga Syphil texted me about seeing the three Kids™ at a frat party? I’m a little confused as to how they were let in, but I think I’ll just not question it.
I have yet to listen to those albums, as I have been going to therapy in all of my free time for all the trauma I experienced that day, but I honestly can’t help but be a little thankful for them. Björk is really fucking good. But I guess I shouldn’t be surprised, because, after all, first they're sour, then they’re sweet!
Update: Immediately after this was posted I returned to my dorm to a bag of Sour Patch Kids™ on my desk and upon opening it there was only blue and green??? If I don’t respond to my phone, assume the worst.