Every Guy I Like is Gay: Ranking My Exes’ Grindr Profiles
By: Laura Braudis
It’s the same damn thing every time.
At first, he was sweet and thoughtful. He remembered that I prefer gold jewelry over silver, and what my favorite cocktail is. He made me laugh. He bought me flowers. I finally thought I found my perfect man. Sure, he liked Clairo and Lana Del Ray, but it was so attractive that we had the same top artists… right? Sure, he wore necklaces but that’s so trendy right now for guys… right?
But then, the day always arrives where “being in touch with his femininity” goes from hot to disastrous. He sat me down, took my hands, looked into my eyes, and said, “I’m gay.”
Suddenly, everything clicked. So that’s why he told me he thought Ryan Reynolds wasn’t hot.
And like a goddamn fool, I’m oblivious until this moment. I’m unwilling to disclose how many times this has occurred, but more than twice and less than four. Not that there’s anything wrong with men using me to finally give up on the fact they are not sexually attracted to women, but there’s only so many times a girl can then help her ex use Grindr the day after they break up.
So in honor of all my exes who called me “queen” more times than what was probably appropriate in a heterosexual relationship (is it ever appropriate?), here is me ranking their Grindr profiles:
3. Sean
In last place, we have Sean. He hasn’t really gotten the hang of Grindr yet. He has smiling, full-face photos that I’m pretty sure his mom took of him. He really just looks like someone who’d ask to go bowling as a first date rather than have a drunk one night stand. The worst part? Instead of starting a chat with a dick pic, his opener is, “Grindr? Hardly know her!”
2. Shaun
Next up is Shaun. His profile starts strong as another faceless photo. But let me go on the record and say he definitely did more work in Photoshop than in the actual gym for those pristine abs. There’s also a reason his face is not in that profile… and what he lacks in looks he certainly does not make up for in size.
1. Shawn
Shawn’s Grindr is nearly perfect. I’m sure some gays actually think they’re looking at the real Shawn Mendes’ secret profile, but I hate to break to them that it’s just Shawn Anderson of Canton, Massachusetts. Since he’s been on Grindr, his dick-pic-to-hook-up ratio is extraordinary.