Exposé! My Neighbors Speak Out On All The Weird Shit They've Overheard Me Saying
By: Lauren Grill
In light of recent events (me turning 21 and attempting to perceive myself as an adult), I have attempted to fix my PR around my apartment building. Now, dear reader, I hear you asking, “Why would your neighbors take issue with a fun, occasionally volume-control challenged film major, who brings whimsy into every situation?” And while I agree that this is a ridiculous question, it became clear to me when a man audibly groaned as I entered the elevator, that my co-residents do not feel that same way. So I put my roommates up to the task of posing as our building manager (who literally nobody has ever seen), poking around, and getting the inside scoop of what our neighbors really think about little old me. The results are staggering.
First, a concerned resident from the floor below was interviewed. “She seems nice enough, but first responders are always coming and going from that unit!” Ah, yes. She seems to be referring to the incident in which I could not turn off our smoke alarm for two hours and had to call the actual fire department. “At a certain point, you have to wonder why I’m stuck in the elevator with her and three firefighters, one of them carrying an ax!” For this, I have no explanation. She should feel lucky that she got to be in the presence of the hottest people I’ve ever seen (they legitimately could have all been strippers. Maybe I understand her confusion now).
Next, my next-door neighbor spoke out. “That woman is the bane of my existence!” Woah, did you hear that? Woman????? I am a 21 year old teenage girl, thank you very much. He continued “I don’t know what she’s doing in there, but I’ve heard the phrase ‘JESSE! WE HAVE TO COOK’ an unbelievable amount of times in the past year,” Okay, so basically what I’m hearing is that he doesn’t support women getting an education. Which I am doing by watching Breaking Bad at full volume at 2:00 in the morning. For my film degree!!! Next question.
Finally, a man who frequents the elevator with me came out. “I was in the lobby, and the door opened while she was in the middle of explaining something to her friends. I only heard the tail end, but she said ‘so basically, you put your legs on the sides of the bathtub and let the water run down,” … This one I have no excuse for. It is exactly what it sounds like.
In conclusion, I can never run for public office in my life because of the dirt these people have on me. However, I will not be changing my ways. These people will have to suck it up and learn to love my spontaneous personality and quick wit or deal with the consequences. After all, I know where they all live.