Turned Off? More Like Turned On: Why Every Single Man Who Has His Autocaps Off is a Slut
Published anonymously
Have you ever seen your own life flash before your eyes? Lots of things can cause this phenomenon to occur: a near death experience, a serious moment of emotional turmoil, or a disturbing realization that not everything is what you thought it was. Well, I experienced all three of these things at the exact same time, naturally causing my life to flash before my very own eyes. You may be wondering what could have caused such an upsetting incident, and the answer is… (yes, you called it)... men.
It all started on an innocent summer’s day when I was messaging one of the several men on my roster. But, lo and behold, despite having peacefully rizzed together just the night before, what didI see before me? None other than the most upsetting message a teenage girl, such as myself, could receive: “haha that’s so funny.”
The disturbing nature of this text might not be clear to you at first, so let me explain.The grammar and punctuation (or lack thereof) was a shocking juxtaposition to the texts I had previously been receiving, all of which were written in perfect English prose. In a panicked state, I shot off another message just to confirm what I already knew:that this man had been irrevocably tainted and could never be brought back from the depths of the whorelike behavior he was now exhibiting.
Once I received another message which confirmed my suspicions (the text read “no i haven’t seen portrait of a lady on fire, you should totally show it to me sometime”), I began to spiral. Where did he learn this behavior? Who has he been talking to? Did one of his slutty man friends teach him this, or did he do it of his own volition? Even worse, could another girl have told him to do this?! How ran through could this man possibly be? None of the plausible explanations could mean anything good for my own health (mentally and sexually, if you’re picking up what I’m putting down), so I did what any logical person would do. I blocked him with no explanation. No goodbye, no well-wishes, not even a courtesy “thumbs up” on his text.
If some of you think my actions are too harsh or extreme, I implore you to think about a time in your own experience where your life flashed before your eyes. Some argue that Watergate was an important cultural crisis, others would say that climate change is a pretty big deal. But me? This was my Watergate, or my climate crisis so to speak. I knew nothing would ever be the same afterwards. To the slut who has caused me so much turmoil, if you are out there reading this, I have one thing to say–Sorry man, I can’t risk getting an STD in this economy.