Woes of Womanhood: Asserting Dominance Over the AUX at the Function Edition
By: Izzy Horney
Walking into the belly of the beast – better known as an all-male whitestone apartment – comes with a slew of stimuli. The lingering scent of stale milk, the acoustic guitar begging to be played on key, and the sporadic anime posters all welcome you into their warm embrace. Now that I’m a Junior in college, I have tastefully aged out of frat basement parties and leveled up to warm beer in awkwardly spaced-out apartments with limited seating options. After hearing the same five Drake songs for the past two years, I decided: enough is enough. What better way to cultivate my ideal social environment than a carefully crafted playlist of my own design that I put together on the toilet that same morning? But, oh, to be a woman.
You see, asserting your dominance over the AUX takes strategic planning and ample schmoozing. You can’t just walk up to the crusty laptop all willy-nilly and expect to be granted full authority. It needs to be a subtle, yet firm assertion that’ll leave them begging you to bless their guests with your musical expertise. Personally, I like to find the weakest link and take them out first. They usually stick to the corner and can most frequently be seen rocking a pair of jorts and grimacing at their lukewarm High Noon. Rizz them and the rest fall like dominos. Chat them up and make them feel good about their decision to play Sicko Mode and Mo Bamba back to back. Being cordial is essential. Compliment their space and pretend like you couldn’t decorate it better with your eyes closed and your hands tied behind your back. Now go in for the kill. Blink those pretty little eyes and slowly type the name of your playlist into the Spotify search bar. Hit play and let your magical stylings fill the earholes of everyone around you.
If you’re like me (a woman) there will probably (most definitely) be a few haters who are opposed to your DJ journey. Fuck em. This is your domain now. If anyone (literally always a man) tries to connect to the speaker while Doja Cat paints the town red with her illustrious vocals, simply hiss at them while blowing your dab hit right in their face to temporarily impede their efforts. This should be enough time for them to be distracted by the monstrous bong hit on the opposite end of the room. I also like to bring my laser pointer with me. These were originally marketed toward cat owners, but I’ve found they work wonders with the male species. If all the stars manage to align and you assert your dominance over the AUX, relish in that moment and simply dance the night away. You’re a star and they don’t deserve you, but you give them the pleasure of knowing you, nonetheless. Stay sexy and never let those Spotify sadists dull your sparkle.