Splish: The Dark Fucked-up World of Underground Clubs BU Doesn’t Want at Splash
By: Maggie McNeir
Looking out on Nickerson field from the bleachers, Splash, BU’s massive club fair, is an impressive sight. Dorks and Bros alike convene on the burning turf in the name of securing club applicants. But what if Splash wasn’t as comprehensive as it appeared? There is a dark underbelly to clubs here at BU– ones with records redacted by SAO and barred from Splash tabling. Enter Splish. Housed in the catacombs under west campus, an alternate to Splash’s PG, PC, PB (poopy butt) club selection arises. Join the Pinky Toe as we give an exclusive to the dark, fucked-up world of clubs BU doesn’t want at Splash.
BU Nudist Society
Founded in 1930, BU Nudist Society is one of the school's longest standing organizations. The butt-naked man working the booth told Pinky Toe, “It used to all be above the board you know– we even had an alumni orgy every year. Catered and everything.” But, it seems that BU has a low tolerance for club shenanigans. The naked representative explained that after a small streaking incident with former treasurer Rhett the Terrier at a hockey game the club was banished to Splish. He assured me it was, “Not a sexual thing I swear”, and invited me to the group's first meeting.
Auto-Fellatio Anonymous (Kilachand Only)
Just like its goodie-two-shoes sister Splash, Splish offers affinity groups for minority populations on campus. Auto-fellatio Anonymous (AFA for short) offers students in Kilachand Honors College room to explore their immense egos and chronic bitchlessness in a safe space. Unlike BU Nudist, the AFA club member we spoke to explained that the group chose to table at Splish over Splash, “We saw a recurrent problem in our community that needed to be handled sensitively, and knew that only Splish had the discretion to reach our audience.” When asked how many members were in AFA, the representative pretended to take a phone call, but our crew caught them googling: How many students are in Kilachand total?
The Political Groups: Gays for Chris Christie, Daughters of the Confederacy, Social Justin Warriors
Next, Pinky Toe stopped by the political section of Splish, where students can get involved in activism on campus. We met groups such as Gays for Chris Christie, a group of fastidious queens who, while not currently in New Jersey, were certain that our next president will be a fatty from the garden state.
Also in this section were the Daughters of the Confederacy, a group with a long history in the US. When asked how the southern group had a branch in Massachusetts, the representative stated, “Shut the fuck up queerdo.”.
Pinky Toe also had the opportunity to talk to a new group on campus, the Social Justin Warriors. Their founder, Justin, explained how they ended up at Splish, Yeah I was just rolling with a crew of super chill dudes named Justin and we were like, ‘yo we should totally make a club out of this’, and then Justin had to read Marx for like a class, and all the Justins were like, ‘dude this is like real stuff’, and like then Justin started doing a book club thing with just like literature and it was so sick.”. When I told him that this didn’t answer my question in the slightest, he let me know in a whisper that the group was banished to Splish because they refused to comply with Title IX and let Justines join too.
Rumsinga
Splish also has club selections for those who are musically inclined. Pinky talked to Rumsinga, an a cappella group made entirely of escaped Amish students. We inquired about the number of Amish students at BU, to which Rumsinga offered, “there’s more of us then you think that’s for sure. Odds are if someone has fucked up teeth or tells you they were homeschooled, you just found an Amish student.”. We then asked the group if they could sing a song in Amish-Dutch for us, but they regretfully informed us that they only sing from the stylings of Kanye West (perhaps that has something to do with why they’re tabling at Splish).
Autism Self Diagnosis Support Group
The Pinky Toe’s final stop at our tour of Splish was a group near and dear to the hearts of many at BU. Composed of your most gullible and chronically online peers, the Autism Self Diagnosis Support Group (ASDSG) allows the dregs of Tumblr to circle jerk imaginary issues. We asked one blue hair member what the group meant to them, “I haven’t felt this community since my Steven Universe roleplay discord server disbanded. I can’t wait to discover what mental illness I have next!” We then learned that the ASDSG does a Harry Potter style sorting ceremony from the DSM.
Looking around at the blood red drapery and thousands of candles in the West Campus catacombs, one can’t help but wonder if this is what a club fair is really about– ambient screams, shadowy corners, and pagan rituals as a backdrop for forging new friendships in college. Pinky Toe surveyed multiple Splish attendees to see how they heard about the event and answers were just as varied as the booths tabling. Some received a red sealed envelope from the Warren mail room while others were pushed into dark alcoves along Comm ave. One student recalled being shoved into a sack and waking up here. No matter how they heard about Splish, each student told us they would be attending in the years to come. That is if they can find their way out of the catacombs.