Dear Anxious Girlies, Please Stop Masturbating in Front of Your Squishmallows
By: Lauren Kelly
This is my first article for the Pinky Toe, and I chose to write about a very pressing issue; jacking off in front of your children. I’m not talking about your firstborn, I’m talking about the squishy little fucks that are laying on your twin XL bed in Warren right now. The ones that are catching dust, germs and cum stains while you hookup with a theater major from Emerson. Poor Alex the Crab is getting deformed and lumpy when you put him under that girl’s lower back before you viciously eat her pussy.
Sex with squishmallows present is fine; I’m really not opposed to it. It’s kind of freak certified. But masturbating around your plush babies is a MASSIVE no-no. If you’re reading lesbian-medically-inadvisable-pirate-smut while fiddling around with your rose vibrator from Target, either get a therapist or walk the plank. Arrrrg.
You might be asking, “but Lauren, why can’t I beat my meat while sweet Jerry the Dragon rests behind my head?” Because you’re SCARRING HIM!! Imagine how it feels to be pressed into the stanky dorm room wall while a person 5 times your height and weight vigorously beats off to hentai as they press their body deeper and deeper into your SKULL. Have you ever even thought about the fact that your best fluffy friends have seen your BDSM test scores (and they know you’re 99% brat??? They’re embarrassed for you.) As we have addressed in previous Pinky Toe lore, your squishmallows are sentient. When you’re out and about, they probably bounce around the room like giant tennis balls and talk shit about you and your creepy habits. You don’t want a bad rap with those guys, trust me. While you were at COM 101 today, they were probably hanging out Toy Story style and gawking about your wonky vagina. Those cold, dead, disgustingly circular eyes have dark thoughts in them, and you don’t want to torture their inner demons even more than you already have.
My proposition: a dramatic sweep of the arm across your bed. Violently swipe those animal-shaped blobs off of there like you’re a middle school theater kid telling a ghost story. This can be used at any time. Before you masturbate, before sex, before you’re about to take a shit on your bed because the communal bathroom is smeared in vomit and this is honestly your best option; just watch them shoot across the room like giant, round NERF bullets. They don’t have bones, it’s okay. It’s probably good exercise for them actually considering they don’t have legs. Another proposition; maybe just leave your squishmallows at home. You’re old enough to be jerking off to lesbian strap-on compilations, but you’re not old enough to stop drooling on Anni the Jellyfish in your sleep?? Grow up, lesbians.