Mandatory Pronoun Checks established at Gender Neutral Bathrooms

By: Max Bearinger

I just like to rip my elf bar and make fart noises out loud so no one disturbs me in the gender-neuch bathroom. But now I’m faced with the non-binary police every time I wanna take a dump. Their name is Outlet and every time I walk up to the gender-neutral bathroom they ask me to affirm the truthfulness of my pronouns.  

Gone are the days of anyone being able to use the nice bathrooms; apparently, your gender actually has to be neutral. I told Outlet I use he/him, and them literally punched me in the cock. 

While I was nursing my he/him balls, I watched as a they/them lesbian was granted entrance into the promised land. I decided then and there that Outlet would rue the day them ever dared to fuck with me. I started small, I told Outlet I use bug/bugself bathroom and lo and fucking behold there’s an actual bug self bathroom, and I had to go piss with a bunch of pissant insectoid freaks. 

Things were starting to get really serious and I knew if I didn’t get to leave my mark in that neutral bathroom soon, I would have to kill myself. 

After a few calls and a meeting with my doctor, I got my d*** cut off, and now I’m all smooth down there. I went to the gender neutral bathroom and proudly told Outlet that I use he/him pronouns. Them started winding up to punch me in the dick but when they felt my smooth pubic mound, I watched them’s face crumble. They were so shocked, them begged my forgiveness and granted me entrance to the kingdom of providence. 

I was elated. I hit my elf bar. Pulled down my pants to take a piss, and realized I forgot to ask the doctor for a pee hole. 

I’m writing this from a hospital bed as my kidney’s start to shut down from cycling the same waste for too long. 

Fuck you Outlet.