Cillian Murphy’s Filmography Ranked In Order Of How Good It Is To Jack Off To
Written by Ces Lodovico
Despite the fact that it’s nowhere near awards season, I feel as though it is crucial to give it up for none other than Hollywood’s weirdest looking heartthrob, Cillian Murphy. His piercing blue eyes and perplexing facial structure have got him designated as the most gorgeous ghoul on the silver screen. Today, I’ll be highlighting some of his roles and where they rank on the MSS (Masturbation Satiation Scale). I have no concerns about him possibly seeing this, considering the fact that he only communicates via carrier pigeon, and doesn’t know what “this Instagram thing” is.
Peaky Blinders is the least fappable of his roles. First of all, that fuck ass haircut is not doing anything for me. Plus, considering the fact that the so-called “sigma males” have co-opted that show, I can’t bring myself to actually watch it. I’m sure he exudes sex appeal on occasion and acts incredibly throughout the show, considering the critical acclaim; but due to my predisposed disdain, I’m sure I’ll never find out.
Almost the year’s best movie, Oppenheimer (Bottoms on top!) was… peculiar, to say the least, but not to be ignored. If you’re far enough down the deep end, chances are you loved the scene where he was naked and fucking Florence Pugh while being interrogated. I think his normal sex with Florence Pugh was spectacular; however, it absolutely killed me that He Said The Thing while dicking his side piece down. If my sneaky link said “I have become death, destroyer of worlds,” it’d be up and out for me, but since it’s Cillian, it’s okay. Additionally, the silly ass mention of our nation’s most sexy president, John F. Kennedy, really helped its score on the sexy scale.
I’m a rather big fan of how Cillian has been in every major Christopher Nolan movie. Within the first couple minutes of The Dark Knight trilogy, he’s already been tied up and beaten up by Christian Bale. Only one word is needed to describe that: yummers!
Back before trans actors could play trans characters, Cillian was oozing t-girl swag in Breakfast On Pluto. The amount of edits of his character Kitty I’ve watched is cause for concern and – quite honestly – had my boy kitty purring. Cillian rarely ever plays someone funny! I loved it! Let him be unserious! Estrogen would’ve saved her.
The list would be remiss without the mention of Red Eye… Wow. Give it up for Red Eye, everyone! Rachel McAdams AND Cillian Murphy on a plane? The finest double whammy that there ever could be. Yes, I am aware that this paints me in a rather questionable light – his character is a horrible person! But a sexy one, even when he has that gay little scarf around his throat to cover his stab wound. He’s so dreamy… I would’ve fallen for him too, Rachel McAdams. She bossed up and did what had to be done (the morally right thing) but I really wouldn’t give a fuck about that politician she was so adament on saving. To hell with the Senate. I need nothing more than to join the mile high club with this mysterious, Irish, cunt-serving man inside me.