My Ten Step Plan to Destroy the Pinky Toe
If you’re reading this, my plan worked. Since the day I came across a reposted Instagram story about the abolishment of male manipulators, I knew what I had to do. Take Down The Pinky Toe.
You see, I always knew it had to be an inside job.
The application process was simple. I told a few jokes about how much I hated men, and like an ugly man with half decent hockey skills and a rich daddy at this god-forsaken school: accepted!! These bitches are too easy!!
This is when the work truly began, I had to figure out how to take these people down.
I started with the writing department. Let’s be real, I knew they’d crumble quickly. Start actually enforcing deadlines and they’re kneeling, begging for mercy. But the writers are crying like literally every meeting, so I knew I had to hit harder. Photo.
Photo is comprised of some of the most mentally disturbed of the paper. They are truly tasked with some fucked up shit. How is one human being supposed to make a collage about your squishmallows gang-banging you in front of Questrom? I don’t know, but somehow they do it.
I had to bring out the big guns: take down Robin. You may not know her by name, but certainly by face. She’s the go to girl for any headline with no real theme or purpose. She has done every expression and pose a person could dream of. It was hard to delete her at first. That tight, wrinkly, blue Old Navy button up made me feel something. But I knew my mission was far too important to be destroyed via seduction.
Ctrl. Alt. Delete. It will take months for them to find the new patron saint of the Pinky.
Next Up: special projects.
The only thing special about this group? Their vileness. I mean truly, what kind of sicko puts Tove Lo on any playlist, much less a Valentine’s Day one??? Their body of work is truly frightening. I started hysterically adding Taylor Swift to their spotify likes. I know it’s not my best work, but it will definitely keep them busy for a while. They are obligated to listen to each of her songs before deleting them.
Social media was honestly easier than I had expected. I mean they practically took themselves out when every member forgot the password to the Instagram login. Like, how hard can it be to remember your social security number? I just reported the account until they lost the ability to post stories. Everyone knows the Pinky Toe is nothing without a shitty, reposted Instagram story with the question box enabled.
The last team was the copy editors. I’ll be honest, I don’t really know what they do. Like, I’ve literally never met one. I just moved around a couple folders in Google Drive, and I’m sure they’ll be confused for a little bit. I even added an anagram puzzle in there for good measure! (I think they do something with words?)
Time for the final bosses: Maya and Emma. This was my hardest task. These two run both the B*nion and Pinky Toe with an iron fist. Before I could take them out, I had to find their weaknesses.
In my first meeting, I noticed some longing looks between the two of them. It didn’t take long for me to find out more lore. The two had apparently been in an illicit affair for months…maybe even years. Lesbian lovers in the gay satire publication. A shock for sure! These bitches have no sense of originality.
The easiest way to dispose of the couple was to interfere in the relationship. I crafted two breakup letters and sent one to each. It worked so well, I saw them both walking around campus with tears in their eyes. Nothing works quite like a miscommunication trope.
The entire article is in ashes now. I have created chaos and agony everywhere.
Anyways, you have twenty four hours from this being posted to find out who I am and meet my demands, which have been anonymously sent in the facebook group, or I will delete the entire site.
xoxo - the big toe.