We Will Eat Rhett: Students Revolt After BU Reveals New Dining Plans

Marciano Commons - All the utensils are missing. No, for once they have not miraculously disappeared. Instead, they can be found in the hands of students, where they rightfully belong.

But they are not using them to eat whatever dish the poor, overworked, staff have concocted for the post-three-hour-lecture dinner rush. The utensils are being used as weapons and pointed at Rhett. The beloved, if not racistly named mascot accidentally walked into the middle of a riot. 

President Brown, in his final attempt to screw over students before retiring, has destroyed the dining plans. The system that once allowed students to switch plans and gain ridiculous amounts of dining points now consists of silly dumb stupid plans that erase the taste students had of being rich. 

“I fucked over everyone! You can never say I didn’t endorse equal opportunity for all,” said Brown in a rare public sighting. He was in the GSU moments after students realized what he had done, laughing maniacally. Sources close to him say torturing others emotionally brings him to the brink of climaxing.

Marciano Commons is not the only place students are banding together. Both the Central and West City Cos were ransacked earlier this morning. The doors of Cane’s are currently barricaded. Student leaders have set up bases in Warren and West Dining halls. Fenway Dining, for some reason, has been left untouched; neutral ground.

Each college has something special they bring to the fight: Leaders from Questrom organize all battle plans and send passive-aggressive emails to administration. COM students are writing and recording a manifesto, and are in search of their Mockingjay. They have been in contact with CFA rebels to try and find the one who will bring the vibe they are looking for and are seeking someone who is always hungry to play their girl on fire. CGS freshmen act as offensive soldiers; the amount of freedom they have experienced during their first college semester has left them absolutely feral and ready to strike at any given moment. CAS stem majors are currently working on a bomb, and the engineering majors are putting the finishing touches on a guillotine. 

The GSU is a warzone. At the time of publishing, students are dragging Rhett to the Back Court, holding him hostage. They plan to cut his left paw into bits, wrap it in rice and seaweed paper from Basho, and send it to Brown’s office as a warning. Each of the food stands has been taken over. Not Greens and Grains of course; fuck Greens and Grains. Literally why would anyone fight over Greens and Grains?

This revolution has seemingly brought students from each of the colleges together. Questrom and CFA students were the first to unite, burning down The Juicery and jumpstarting the revolution. Although being located right in Warren Towers, it does not take dining points. Naturally, it was the first place that had to go. They have set aside their differences and distaste for each other in favor of one common goal: to regain the right to scam BU and get 3,000 dining points each semester. 

In a rare moment of calm, a student checks an email from BU Today.

BU Announces Second Lobster Night.

Weapons are dropped. Alliances are disbanded. Just like that, the revolution has ended. All for lobster, corn, and potatoes served on a paper plate. The rebels are appeased, and Rhett gets to live another day. For now.