Turning 21! (i haven’t yet, but this is what i imagine will happen)
By the time you read this, I will have already turned 21, and everything that I will describe will have already happened EXACTLY as I predicted. Here is a step-by-step play of how April 5th went, AKA my 21st birthday.
I will begin by going to bed at exactly 9pm the night before because I have a LOT to do the next day and I need the beauty sleep to look my very best for the potential mugshot I might take. Anyways, I will then be waking up at 10am the next day and, subsequently, turn one year older! I’ll be turning the age coveted by all teenagers – 21. I will allow myself about 30 minutes of existential crisis to overtake my body as the inevitability of death becomes a more real possibility, meaning the time where I will be eaten by worms and maggots will come an–
From there, I will have a glorious breakfast spread provided by the wonderful staff at Marciano’s. They OBVIOUSLY know what national holiday it is and will have my breakfast waffles ready to go, with exactly 21 candles adorning the top of the stack. Don’t worry, they turned off all the smoke detectors in the vicinity just for me, as the flame from the candles will be big enough to rescue that lion and zebra off of Madagascar. It’s okay though! Everyone’s lungs at this school are fried from their vapes to begin with!
Next, after probably SAVING the lungs of many, I will have to go to my one class of the day (boo!) where I will not pay attention and instead switch between all my NYT Games (yay!). I will get the Wordle in ONE – the answer will obviously be MIRNA in my honor. I will dominate the Connections on my first attempt, the categories will all be about my favorite things. And I'll get the mini crossword in a sub 20-second record (the theme will be, well, me!). The Sudoku will remain unchanged as it is already the superior game and there’s no way to improve it.
And now, after escaping my only class of the day, I will head to my holy land – Quality Mart. I will buy myself the best bottom-shelf bottle a work-study student can afford and decide the best place to polish this off: AMC. Popcorn for lunch, yum. I will choose to watch Immaculate with Sydney Sweeny and allow the catholic guilt to fuel my drinking (wouldn’t be the first time, and it won’t be my last).
From the AMC, I will get back to campus and be properly hammered, no doubt about it. And unfortunately, seeing as I look like all sorts of trouble in my Pedro Pascal T-Shirt, a BUPD officer will yell “Halt!” and attempt to seize me. They will claim I cannot be allowed “loose” on campus in my condition, but I do not want to be CHAINED nor CONFINED until I become sober enough for them. So instead, I run. I run down Comm Ave until I pass Agganis. At this point, there’s nowhere else to turn to besides… Canes. And seeing as the alcohol did me NO favors, I have a quick dinner break.
At this point, Bean, the BUPD’s new dog, will have caught my scent and start leading the police toward me. I cannot risk getting caught, because that would make news on the BU Reddit and someone from the Bunion would definitely make some dumb article about it. I will not be made a laughing stock by that so-called “publication.”
In that moment, as the night begins to deteriorate, so will my birthday powers. Just as I feel all the strength of a newly 21-year-old leave my body and I wait for my inevitable demise, it’ll never come. I’m still good! But why?
Plot twist! Being from Texas and having always lived in Central Time, the gods will have granted me an extra hour of birthday, and with this hour I will be able to evade any and all consequences by parkouring between brownstone rooftops until I land on my Bay State building. And at the stroke of 1 AM, I will be in bed, in my PJs, with a bucket nearby. Just in case.
In reality, the author will likely just redeem her birthday gift from AMC and spend the day doing her traditional triple feature. She will order something from their bar though, as a treat!