I Farted So Badly It Set Off the Warren Towers Fire Alarm
Okay okay, I know what you’re thinking. You probably think I’m a smelly greasy gassy farting troll who has no manners. And while you're close, you aren’t exactly correct. I have celiac disease! According to the Celiac Disease Foundation, “celiac disease is a serious autoimmune disease that occurs in genetically predisposed people where the ingestion of gluten leads to damage in the small intestine. It is estimated to affect 1 in 100 people worldwide, but only about 30% are properly diagnosed.” So when Lady Gaga says there could be 100 people in a room, I’m that one that does believe in you - I have celiac disease.
This is all to say that I have gastrointestinal issues. It’s not my fault that every once and a while I let out a fart or shit so bad that if you don’t wear a mask in the area for the next 48 hours you may or may not catch internal pink eye that will spread like wildfire through your internal immune system!
So, with that out of the way, it’s true. I blasted my cushions so outwardly that the air came out like the jet mode on a hose. But the air that came out wasn’t your normal air, and it wasn’t even your normal fart air. This air was a lovely gift from whoever I wronged this week, delivered straight from hell. This air was so nasty that it wasn’t even colored green, it was a full new color that I couldn’t even comprehend. This air was so putrid that it made me take a second and consider that maybe I actually do give a fuck. And as this jaundice-ass fart air left my cheeks, I turned around to see the air waft right on over to the fire detector. And to my horror, the bells started ringing.
Normally, when the fire alarm goes off, I really couldn’t give any shits. However, here it was the opposite - I kinda had to shit! However, with the alarm going off, I knew it had to wait. So I clenched up and opened my door. Big mistake. As soon as I opened the door, the evil air blasted out into the hallway, and into the noses of my floormates. There was no hiding it - it was clear I was the perpetrator. With my head held low and my face all red, I hurried my way over to the staircase and out the building.
When I left Warren Towers, I turned around to look back up at the scene of the crime. However, to my horror, it was on fire. Gagged (in more ways than one, and somehow, not in a sexual way), I turned around and walked the other way. I knew that fart was lethal, but not that lethal!
However, later, none of my floormates got mad at me. I was confused. Did I not just set a fire in their home? No officials even contacted me to find out what happened. For a second, I thought that maybe everyone just really liked me and wasn’t going to spill. But then, my best friend Olga Syphil came up to me, crying. Apparently, when the fire alarm went off, it scared her, causing her to accidentally knock over her giant candle infused with the sexual discharge of everyone she’s ever slept with, setting her whole room ablaze and most importantly, the loss of her beloved sacred candle of cum, squirt, and other.
At least one good thing did come out of this disaster though, the remodeling of Warren Towers is going to be sped up significantly!