Nobody Got Time for You to Make a Friend…Petition to Ban Hogging One Big Ass Table With Your Tiny Little Lonely Self

By Alex Johnson | Photo by Lizzy Morearty

Look yourself in the mirror and ask why you think it’s necessary for you to hog one big ass table for your 107 lb body. If I’m coming to the freshman-infested dining hall to eat, I want to be able to find enough space for me, and whoever I’ve dragged along with me. I don’t want to spend 47 out of the 50 minutes I have to eat looking for a table because all of the booths were taken by socially anxious Terriers.

I understand the adjustment period into college is different for everyone. You’re leaving the nest–a small town girl finding themselves in a whole new world. I’m happy for you…know that I am, but let me be perfectly frank here…Make a friend standing up. On your own time. Papa’s hungry and he wanna eat. I’ve got an iron club, a BB gun, and the spirit of a 14th-century warlord who hasn’t seen a meal in weeks. The moment I lock eyes with your territorial little frame, it’s over. Like Snickers said, “You’re not you when you’re hungry” so please don’t push me into doing anything I may “regert”. Your kneecaps may be blocked by the table but that’s never stopped me before, especially when I’m pissed.

You think this a Disney movie? You think the whole world’s biting their nails to see you anxiously wait for someone to come up to your table, tap you on the shoulder, and ask “is this seat taken?” Oh, you thought you were alone? That nobody noticed the way your eyes dart up every time someone walks by, praying they’ll ‘choose’ you?  I see your smile fade when the only thing that accompanies you is the dust that settled from all the time you’ve spent morphing into the table. I don’t care how many times you watched Perks of Being a Wallflower—your brooding won’t make you interesting. You know what will make you interesting? Standing up, walking away, and giving me my damn table before I start humping the chair you’ve fused with.

This isn’t a coming-of-age indie flick where you sit in solitude until the ‘cool yet sensitive’ friend group slides into your booth and changes your life. Buddy, I see the whole saga unfolding. I am the audience, and I’m booing. This is a dining hall. Act like it.