Student Link Crashes After Everyone Registers to Bang Your Mom at the Same Time

By Alex Johnson

Dear Diary,

All throughout Lent, I prayed. Instead of taking my normal spot as reigning champ of my family’s Easter egg hunt, I prayed. Instead of studying for my exams, or writing my god awful philosophy paper, I prayed. I’m not a devoutly religious guy, Diary; in fact, growing up I would routinely rest my head on my mom’s shoulders and fall asleep during sermon. No, no, no. This is a deeply serious matter. 

A couple of weeks ago, BU changed the infrastructure of their registration page on Student Link and made it so that everyone would register at the same time. I don’t care about my classes, but this is about banging your mom. 

Like your mom, I stayed on my knees for quite some time, but when it came time for registration I got up, and I cried. I cried, Diary, like I’ve never cried before. It wasn’t my wifi that was bugging. No, no, no. It was the whole database. BU Student Link was down.

I knew it was a mistake to let everyone register at the same time. What were they thinking? Who was the genius who thought it was feasible that I–or anyone for that matter–would get a good time slot to be like Marvin Gaye (may he rest in peace) and get it on with your mom. I’m worried about my chances now. Everyone wants to bang your mom. She’s got both the sensuality of an Eastern European woman, and the distinct smell of spoiled cheese like an Eastern European woman. No wonder Student Link crashed. All that praying was for nothing and now I’m left in an impossible situation: I took out tens of thousands of dollars in loans and bought too much lube and condoms in anticipation for your mom’s sweet cheeks. Now they’re going to waste. My faith is shaken. The kingdom I dreamt for myself is coming undone. No other mom will do. It had to be yours. 

You may be wondering whose mom I’m referring to here, Diary. Well...since this is a diary, whoever’s reading it is violating my privacy and is therefore relinquishing the rights to safety and protection of their mother. It’s fair play next year— if I don’t get a chance with those mommy milkers, my dick won’t be the only thing that’s hanging.

Wish me luck, Diary.

Xoxo,

Horny Terrier