“Instead of Fixing the Green Line, We're Going to Come Up to Your Dorm and Edge You," says the MBTA

By Anonymous

This afternoon, a shocking statement was released to the website of the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority (MBTA). Instead of saying they would permanently fix Green Line B, which runs straight through the mile-long stretch of road that is Boston University’s campus, the MBTA encouraged students to “leave your dorms unlocked and pull out your fat, meaty hogs.”

This statement follows a spring semester full of inconvenient closures, loud drilling, bright lights, and multiple crosswalks completely blocked off. Regardless of what the reason for closure has been, the vast majority of students would agree that it has caused severe inconveniences. The compensatory edging policy has been met with mixed reviews.

“Hey, I’m not one to complain,” said twitching student Mike Rotch (ENG 2027), “I thought college would be full of hot babes wanting to boink me. I was wrong. This train edging thing is the most action I’ve gotten in my entire life.”

Rotch further commented that the closest he’d previously gone to feeling the touch of a woman was actually on a Green Line train at 6pm when the train car was so heinously crowded with people that a pair of unidentifiable ass cheeks brushed against his leg. Rotch was not sure if they were male or female, but he was grateful regardless.

“The MBTA has honestly done a lot for me,” Rotch said, shedding a single tear.

However, some students are anti-edge: “I can’t believe it’s come to this. Or rather, hasn’t.” said an unidentified disgruntled Warren Towers resident leaving his dorm with a visibly throbbing erection, “If they’re going to jerk me off, can they at least let me finish? I have to go to class now and it, like, hurts.”