Controversial Sargent College Class Involves Trafficking Contraceptives To Arkansas, With Nissan Altimas Provided
By Herb Waters
Cheap access to contraceptives in the USA has been a hot topic with many complaints and very few legal, immediate solutions. Many red states, including Arkansas, have laws targeting the regulation of abortion providers (including the sale of contraceptives), or TRAP laws for short.
As de facto Northerners at one of the finest PWIs, many BU students learn about the issue in class and are required to virtue signal on at least 4 forms of social media and 1 blog while ignoring all proposed solutions at the community level. Amidst this putrid sea of posers, the Sargent College of Health and Rehabilitation Sciences is offering a class on contraceptives advocacy for highly motivated students: Illegal Contraceptive Distribution Strategies, nicknamed “Plug ‘n B”. Instead of readings and infographic assignments, this class will provide students with 80 pounds of Plan B and C pills, a weighing scale, two ‘07 black/grey Nissan Altimas, a hand-drawn map to a shed in Arkansas, a physical CD consisting exclusively of 2006-2015 Gucci Mane songs, and extra credit if they never get caught.
Currently restricted to sophomores and above, this class uses a comprehensive curriculum that covers dead drops, product weighing strategies, opening a Telegram account, and never abusing your own supply. The class is taught by an accredited public health professor, with each week featuring a guest lecture from a former drug lord (save for the second week, where an actual gynecologist explains how the majority of contraceptives work). The professor emphasizes the point that in subverting the current bullshit “TRAP” laws, the students must bring back REAL TRAP SHIT to Arkansas and start trapping out contraceptives the classic way.
Since the introduction of this course, Sargent has come under fire by parents, media outlets, and loser students alike. Some parents say this class “encourages reckless behavior”, with the professor then firing back “this class should’ve been around before you were pregnant so we wouldn’t have to deal with such worries”. The three (3) Young Americans for Freedom attempted to protest the class by slashing the tires of the Nissan Altimas – these three have been reported missing, and have not been found for five days. NBC10 Boston attempted to praise Sargent for designing such an innovative class, but cut the segment short when the TAs flipped off the camera after yelling “yea we servin’ that shit, bitch, ain’t nobody fuckin with us today”.
Capitalizing off the success of this class, rumor has it that Sargent is now working on a post-graduate seminar dealing with assassinating political figures, and a customized UROP involving ethnographic analysis of the Mexican drug cartels. For all the pre-meds out there, these are some excellent resume-builders… if you make it back alive…