“this ur new bitch??” and Other Things My Old Roommate Has Texted Me About My New Roommate
I laugh at something my roommate said to me. New roommate, I must point out. Roommate #3 if we’re being technical. It’s been hard trying to vibe with someone new after living with my old roommate for a year and a half, but things were looking up. Just then, my phone vibrated with a new notification.
What’s so funny. A simple text, made ominous by the period at the end. A text from a voice I haven’t heard from in a long time (since the end of last semester). My old roomie. It was a lucky guess to assume I was laughing at that exact moment. I ignored it as I continued to converse, ultimately telling my own story of a turtle lost to a wheel of a car.
You’ll tell that story to anyone, huh? It was getting seriously freaky. How did she know I was telling my turtle story again? Not long after that though, I got sent an instagram profile.
[New Roommate profile]
this ur new bitch??
I only told her my new roommate's name. There’s no way she was able to find her account. I needed to block her. No, I needed to hide. Change my identity, I would never be safe again and–
8 ball?
…Well, I had a title to defend.
Okay, so I lied. While it didn't quite happen as the beginning described, I did get the “this ur new bitch??” text with a link to my new roommate’s profile. Getting a new roommate was not a choice. It was thrusted upon me by my old roommate’s abandonment study abroad in France. Likely excuse seeing that everyone knows France is just a made up country for the show Miraculous Ladybug. And while I do like my new roommate, there’s something about your first (okay, technically 2nd, but who’s counting) roomie that you’ll never forget.
And it goes both ways. That was just the first of many random Whatsapp texts that I’ve received from her with hints of jealousy in them. But for the sake of a word count, I’ll give you a quick taste of what I deal with.
At #3 - Birthday dinner at Gordon Ramsey’s new restaurant.
I recently found out that there was a Gordon Ramsey burger joint near Haymarket station and instantly became obsessed with going. But going on some random day felt like a slap in the face to Mr. Hell’s Kitchen, so my next nearest “event” was my birthday in April. Yet, when that subject was brought up, she opted for a more “subtle” approach.
I’d love to go, I love Gordon Ramsey so much! But I hope you have fun with her.
So now, here’s to hoping that Mr. Kitchen Nightmares himself doesn’t shut down his own restaurant by the fall.
At #2 - Cat Cafe.
If I went to the Cat Cafe without her, I was made a promise. No, a threat.
If you go with her, I’m going to take a shit while making direct eye contact with your toothbrush.
So I also hope that Mr. Kitchen Nightmares doesn’t shut down that establishment before the fall either.
At #1 - Movie Nights.
This was a big one. As per our roommate agreement, old roomie and I would watch one movie each weekend to better understand each other’s sick and twisted psyches. I experienced Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, she experienced the magnificence of 10 Things I Hate About You. Heath Ledger, you will always be famous.
And so when I sent her a picture of me watching Game of Thrones on the room’s projector, I could feel the blood from the back stab from across the screen. Alas, when you play the game of thrones, you either win or you die.
All in all, these instances were obviously all in good faith, ha ha… (right, right?). And as an added benefit for old roomie, she can now listen to this song and relate to it:
https://open.spotify.com/track/7bdpStmJdlw9GKBPTOkDwT?si=6e9ae49026ca4fe8