“Yo Where The Bitches At?!”: CGS Freshmen Mistake Pardee School for Party School

By Laura Braudis | Photo by Maddy O’Leary

Spring semester is finally here, which means that College of General Studies freshmen are too. Although considered “daily birth control reminders” for the majority of Boston University students, most of these CGS first-years are under the false impression that they are ready for the full college experience. This fact was evident last weekend when CGS friends entered Pardee School of Global Studies with red solo cups and a dream.

“I thought there was a party happening,’” said Jacob Jacobson, a CGS freshman from Canton, MA who spent his fall semester playing GTA Online between shifts at his dad’s company. “I overheard a girl in the library talking about party this, party that. I thought it was kinda odd that this party was at 2pm on a Wednesday, but like, fuck it, we ball, y’know?”

Jacobson approached the girl for the “addy,” which she gave him reluctantly after a really judgmental up-and-down. Then he invited Andy Anderson, his best friend of a week since move-in and fellow CGS peer. Anderson added that he felt ready to let loose. 

“I had so much pent-up emotions since my girlfriend dumped me, mutually, a few months ago,” he said. “I actually chose the CGS program because it meant more time to focus on her, but she got all, ‘This behavior is too much for only three months together’ and ‘You can’t even find the clit.’” 

Jacobson and Anderson dropped the party happenings in the CGS snap group chat, leading a swarm of students to show up at the doors of 121 Bay State Road at 2pm sharp, because as Anderson stated, “Showing up on-time is polite, according to my mom.”

When they entered, they found no beer or bitches. What they initially thought was “Pepas” being played aloud was actually just a conversation two students were having in Spanish about their classes. Confused, the group moved around the building in a herd, bumping into walls and shouting things like, “This must be an mit party!” and “Yo, where the bitches at?!”

It wasn’t until Jacobson ran into the girl who he first met in the library when their questions got answers. Shelby Burke, Pardee ‘25, explained, “When some random freshman came up to me and asked for the address of Pardee, I was confused. He sounded way too excited for European Studies office hours. Like, kinda concerning, actually. As he turned to leave, I noticed a CGS binky in his backpack. Suddenly, everything clicked. Honestly, I didn’t know any of them could count to 121, so I doubted their ability to get here in the first place.”

Burke told the CGS students in her best “mom” voice that the ivy-covered building was not a party, but rather, Pardee School of Global Studies. 

Jacobson’s response to that information? “Global studies? I want to study your globes, if you know what I mean.” 

The students got kicked out. Burke’s lawyer father may or may not have been contacted. In what is considered a “small miscommunication” by Jacobson and Anderson has forced many of the Pardee faculty to call in protection favors from their friends down in Washington, DC to ensure that a CGS infiltration will never happen again.