New Asphalt Shop “Coffee Pavementhouse” Set to Open This Spring on Comm. Ave
BOSTON - Ever thought the Charles River would be much more useful as a parking lot? These dreams may soon come true. Much to the excitement of Boston University students and administration, a new asphalt shop will be cementing its place on Commonwealth Avenue this Spring.
“Coffee Pavementhouse” will be taking the place of the BUild lab after an audit revealed that they really don’t do as much building as the name would suggest.
“I honestly can’t wait,” said Shawn Kramer (QST ‘27), who was found balls deep in a vat of wet cement. “I was disappointed when I moved in earlier this year because in addition to things like candles and hoverboards, BU housing doesn’t allow cinder blocks in dorms. Now, I can get my concrete fix on campus!”
Boston University administration also feels that Coffee Pavementhouse is opening new doors for them.
“This monumental new business will make campus construction infinitely more convenient,” said a representative from the Office of Perpetual Construction (OPC). “Our capacity for loud and infuriating construction initiatives will increase tenfold! On that note, we are excited to announce a full repaving of the entirety of Bay State Road that will displace thousands and last for the next 2 calendar years.”
With exorbitant prices, Coffee fits right in with other on-campus businesses, but don’t worry, they will accept convenience points! (and dining points, if that's your jam). Also, starting this spring, students’ tuition balance will be updated to include a semesterly “cement fee” of $490.
In advance of Coffee’s grand opening (scheduled for April 20th), BUPD is advising against letting tour groups near the cement mixers, as their other location on Northeastern’s campus was tragically shuttered after a student posing as a tour guide led a particularly obnoxious group of prospective students and their parents into a mixer to meet their cement-covered deaths. Pompeii-esque molds of their bodies are now on display as a temporary art installation at the MFA. Buy tickets here.
Ever considered pouring a 3-inch thick layer of wet cement all over Nickerson Field just because you can? Perhaps creating your own Chicago Rhett Hole? Make sure to stop by Coffee when it opens for all your on-campus pavement needs!
