How to Find the Right Time to Ask Dad for Money When You Haven’t Called Home in Two Weeks

By Alex Johnson

With the stress of exam season weighing heavy on every college students’ mind, it’s easy to forget the important things in life: remembering to eat a balanced meal (no matter how good the burrito was, El Jefe’s at 2:00am doesn’t count), remembering to turn in your 17 missing assignments, and remembering to call home.

Maybe if you had made a call sooner, your dad would’ve told you how proud he was of you. Instead all you’re going to receive is an earful of nagging about how “you never call” and how “you only call when you want money,” which isn’t even entirely true! I call all the time. I call to ask if he can hook me up with his weed dealer (he doesn’t want me succumbing to Boston’s inflation rates); I call to ask for dinero (he doesn’t understand Spanish so he doesn’t know it means “money”); and I call to show him my botched DIY dye job, but hey, it’s okay because at least I still have hair unlike my father who resembles Mr. Clean.

Sorry–I’m projecting here. My dad honestly got me worked up last night. Yeah, I called him yesterday in preparation for this article, and you’ll never guess what I got. That’s right: AN EARFUL OF NAGGING!! 

Turns out there’s no right time to call Dad. He’s going to bitch and complain the whole time regardless of when I ring his line. At night doesn’t work because I’m fulfilling my hero’s duty of being “Big Man on Campus” and can’t have my old man blocking me cock (he actually stole my date once after she overheard his voice on the phone and thought he sounded hot, but he gave me free weed so bygones…bygones…); in the morning doesn’t work because I’m actively trying to get rid of the hookup from the night before (who’s very adamant on waking and baking the herb I stashed in their britches to keep the ops at bay); and in between classes doesn’t work because the calls are always short (he sees it as inconsiderate that I only call when I “have a valid excuse to get off the phone”). But I really do need money. Vapes need to be bought, weed needs to be smoked, Venmos need to be sent, and Christmas stockings need to be filled. 

Recently in the twilight hours, I started praying to the Father Gods in need of some guidance. In a dream they came down, like angelic souls, and softly graced my face. They told me in a terrifying, yet endearing tone:

When the clock strikes midday

Call the bearer of your name

Let the tears fall as they may

“With exams, the past few weeks have been a blur”

Tell him you miss him and apologize for not calling

“I’m sorry dad

Forgive me

And give me dinero”

When this inevitably fails and Dad calls you out on your bullshit, don’t fret–there’s a solution! I have the perfect gift idea for the men who pay for our tuition but won’t send a measly 30 bucks. I’m just stuck between fentanyl or rat poison for mine…Either way I’ll borrow some poison from a sketchy friend and get in my bag era. I’m a patient guy, I’ll wait for the life insurance check to kick in. 

And don’t worry, I’ll wait for the holidays to pass, I’m no monster after all, just broke.