Wendy Whaleiams: 5 Ways to Disguise the Fact That You're Out of Breath After Walking Up One Flight of Stairs
By: Speshell Hall
Allow me to set the scene. I had just finished a light jog from the BU Saint Mary’s bus stop to CAS. I contemplated taking the elevator but I only had two minutes before class started and I didn’t want to be looked at weirdly for taking the elevator to the second floor. Big mistake. Huge.
I burst through the doors and pretended I didn't feel like I just ran seven miles and walked up the Marciano staircase (those are the real killers). My deep breaths were hardly concealed as people began to point and laugh.
Someone whispered, “Do you hear that?” Another said, “Who’s breathing so heavy?” “Oh my god, this bitch can’t even walk up a flight of stairs,” exclaimed my classmate. “Wendy Whaeliams is a fat whale,” was also uttered under someone’s breath.
I froze. Everyone on the second floor of CAS was staring at me as a spotlight shone down from the ceiling, exposing me for my inability to traverse a flight of stairs. I began my walk of shame down the hallway as tomatoes were thrown at me and boos echoed off the walls. I damned whatever god put me in this situation until I realized I had a few options here.
- Bask in the shame and accept that I needed to un-big my back (unlikely to happen as I already ordered my Einstein Bagel Bros for when class ended).
- Kill myself in front of everyone and permanently alter the trajectory of their life.
- Cry.
- Blame it on the person to my right.
- Burn down the building.
I contemplated option 2 but if I died right then I wouldn’t be able to eat my Einstein Bros (Maybe I should listen to option 1).
As I walked farther down the hallway I chose number 3. My tears replenished my thirst but did nothing to help me catch my breath. I stopped in my tracks and looked up at the fluorescent lighting, regretting the five plates of dining hall food I bodied the night before. When I opened my eyes again, the building began to morph and suddenly I was no longer in CAS. It was now the land of people who can’t walk up a fucking flight of stairs. I looked around at my brethren and saw the life I was about to be condemned to. The old decrepit cave reeked of sweat and despair as people huddled around a fire to keep warm. Nobody seemed to notice my presence as I walked deeper inside. The floor was covered in cotton candy-flavored Elf bars and empty bottles of Titos (this is how I knew I was really in Hell). I began to panic, not understanding what I did to deserve this. Maybe if I stopped stealing people's food at the GSU I would be able to walk up a flight of stairs. Then it hit me. This was my karma. BU put me here. In a fit of rage, I started screaming, “YOU'RE MAD YOU’LL NEVER BE AN IVY LEAGUE!”
People around me started whispering and pointing but I didn't care. I started smashing the empty Titos bottles and yelling at the random small child huddled in the corner. I felt a pair of hands grab me and try to restrain my thrashing body.
“Love, Love, open your eyes,” a deep British accent said.
My eyes flew open and I was met with dirty brown eyes. It was Liam Fucking Payne (if anything, this makes me more manic).
I yell, “This isn't how this goes– you’re supposed to be Harry Styles!” I try to break free from his grasp. As I began to cry more, I realized this was truly my personal Hell. If only I went with option 1 and took accountability for once, but I couldn’t do that. I’m just a girl! I’m just a silly little teenage girl and I could never be the problem.
I began to wallow in despair as the bright lights of the spotlight that followed me down here exposed me to everyone in the cave. The ping of my phone broke me free from my meltdown.
Grubhub said my food was ready. A piercing ringing in my ears and a sudden lightheadedness made me collapse, as I succumbed to the darkness. All that was on my mind is Einstein Bagel Bros.
When I came to, I was standing at the register of Einstein Bagel Bros being handed my extremely overpriced and mediocre bagel.
“Enjoy your food,” the cashier said.
“You too,” I exclaimed and ran out absolutely mortified.
I walked up the stairs to the first floor and exited the building, but I felt it. I was out of breath again. A hole in the floor opened up and Liam Payne dragged me back to Hell, but this time I couldn’t escape.