Canada Noose: What To Look Out For If The Class War Breaks Out On Campus

By: Ces Lodovico

I can’t pinpoint exactly when I was radicalized, but I can tell you a moment that confirmed this sentiment. As a lowly freshman, I had finally scrounged up enough spare change to pay for my load of laundry when all of a sudden I saw a detestable Warren Towers inhabitant in full Balenciaga loungewear and slides. I could tell their outfit was Balenciaga because it said BALENCIAGA in gigantic letters on every article of clothing. A feeling of hatred that had already been bubbling deep within me rose to the surface. I mauled that bitch, and right when I was done, with their blood and pieces of large intestine dripping from my jowls, another one walked in, this time head to toe in Gucci. I realized this was not a war I could fight on my own. This is why I am writing this guide for when the class war eventually does break out on campus. Here is a list of traits that separate the upper-class everyday oppressors from the proletariat.

Did not need FAFSA/Pays Full Tuition 

In high school, a particularly abhorrent member of the upper class asked my friends: “Wait, did you guys actually apply for the FAFSA?” The answer to that is Yes. I applied for and received aid from FAFSA. I was once talking with a group and we were discussing scholarships. Someone said, “Oh my God, I think I’m the only one here who paid full tuition 😂”. SO FUNNY! Great contribution! Filing that in the back of my head for later!

Electric Scooter Owner 

I already have to cope with my extreme disdain for the electric scooters that plague our sidewalks and bike paths. When I see you flying by helmetless with The Tote Bag by Marc Jacobs or some Prada backpack slung across your shoulder, that disdain only grows.

Canada Goose Jacket Owner

Self explanatory. Why would I pay an iPhone and a half for a winter jacket that’s getting worn for three months out of the year? These are biblical levels of greed and envy.

Has a Gym Membership that isn’t FitRec (rock climbers excluded)

This is crazy to me. FitRec is right there. And included in your already expensive ass tuition. I will admit that the members of Central Rock Gym or any equivalent are exempt from this in my eyes since a) rock climbing is cool and b) I like looking at them climbing the wall like little bugs.

Flies Home For A Three-Day Weekend

Sickening. I get commuting home if you live within a reasonable driving or train distance, but if you are dropping hundreds of dollars to be in your house for not even two days when you factor in airplane time and airport time and the time it takes to drive home… 

Mentions a “Summer Home” or Where they “Summer”

Also self-explanatory. This is detestable. I summer at my JOB. I don’t go to the Maldives or Iceland or what have you and I don’t own a house on the Cape. My bad!

Owned a Post-2012 Model of Car in High School

If you OWNED a car in high school - had a car that was solely used by you - and that shit had Bluetooth capabilities? To the chopping block.

Airpod Max Owner

FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS???? 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

“Let’s just Uber!” advocate

Uber costs money. Walking is free. The T is free if you have a chill conductor. And it’s 2 dollars if you don’t. I would never Uber if I didn’t have to.

Of course, one does have to take into consideration that if the class war actually does break out, the inhabitants of Boston will have no regard for any of these. As long as we attend an expensive ass Boston school, we will be targets. So stock up on your community college merch or your Southie cosplays until then, and let’s get those legacy bitches at Harvard.