Carrying a trapped pink butterfly in a cage everywhere: Top 10 things ALL gay people are guilty of doing
By: Doran Steinfeld
In this day and age, diversity is celebrated. But honestly, looking within the queer community… we’re pretty predictable, and we’re all the same. So, let’s take a look at a list of things that EVERY SINGLE gay person does. Full stop.
Praying to Cthulhu (LESBIANS!!)
Almost EVERY lesbian I have met has tried to rope me into the Cult of Cthulhu, but they always do it in really subtle, discreet ways. “I’m really into this new underground artist!” or “so… I hooked up with someone last night…” Nice try lesbians, but we all see right through you.
Eating an apple
I mean, all of us have had an apple at some point in our lives… right??? Even if God told us not to… mmmmmfgggg apple so yummy
Getting FUCKED UP, going on an accidental killing spree, making a name for yourself as “the lavender scare,” a serial killer that goes after bitches named “Prudence” and then returning home to your 4 lovely cats
Admit it - we’ve all been there. One minute you’re at a party, drinking too much, and the next minute you’re in your bed with blood covered all over your hands, and there’s nothing you can do but wash them up and pull out the vibrator, when right in the middle of your “session” you hear your cats meowing for food. Ugh, fine Trashcan, Dumpster, XA-272, and Bob, I’ll feed you.
Coming out to the Itsy Bitsy Spider
Every Tuesday, the Itsy Bitsy Spider (A.K.A. Betsy) makes her rounds. Don’t worry, she’s real down to earth, and LOVES gay people. After all, it was a gay guy that helped her: “Out came the sun, and dried up all the rain, and the Itsy Bitsy Spider went up the spout again.”
Being horrible and having the worst takes known to man
The meanest people on this planet are gay guys. Had a bad day and a hair is out of place? He’ll notice. And he’ll fuck you up for it. The next day, everyone will know about your stray hair. And don’t forget his takes! “Addison Rae, Ava Max, and GAYLE are saving pop.” (they are though)
Doing the NYT daily games and starting Wordle with the word “twink”
The day the Wordle answer is “twink” is the day that 10% of the world gets it in one. Don’t lie, you all use that word. I also can’t wait till Connections has the words bear, otter, fox, and cub go together…
Getting fucking robbed by a literal man in a dumb ass fedora
If you’re queer and this hasn’t happened to you, look out, because it will happen when you least expect it. You walk into your living quarters expecting to just relax when a bedazzled (straight) man whips his head around and yells “oh no! It seems I’m… Caught!” moving at each syllable into a new pose. He carries a robber bag and his fedora has the words “Thief Kween” on it, but on the back of his shirt it reads, “I’m straight. I’m a man. I don’t do that pronoun shit.” The whiplash of the two personalities is there to shock you so that he can make his sneakily fantabulous escape, so be ready. His favorite thing to steal is money.
Wearing those like really baggy pants that have a shit ton of pockets but also kind of make you look like an actual worm
Okay look, I like baggy pants as much as the next gay, but some of y’all have GOT to stop, it’s going too far. Y’all are having a battle with gravity, and gravity is winning. You look like a candle outside on a hot day. It’s like the souls of the damned are reaching up and pulling you down. Seek help (although, I assume you already are, you know, seeing as you’re gay and all) and take a deep breath.
Having a grand ol’ time 😊
If there’s one thing gays can do, it’s ignore the awful things going on in the world and have a “grand ol’ time.” College getting so hard that your homework is growing fangs and taking a giant munch out of you? Have a grand ol’ time. The planet is literally on fire and burning up? Have a grand ol’ time. This bitch named Olga Syphil yanked on your hair and put it into a little science bag to either clone you or your hair? Have a grand ol’ time.
Lying.
I actually have no fucking clue why this is here, as I, a gay man, have never lied once in my life???? I mean, true, the title had “Carrying a pink butterfly in a cage” in it, and that was never listed, but like, the title didn’t promise it was in the top ten! For all you know, it’s number 11! (It’s not. It’s number 16.) So, as I place my left hand on the Catholic Bible*, I solemnly swear the following: Everything above is nothing but the cold hard truth.
*If you know me and know that I’m Jewish no you don’t shhhhh