Things That Jigsaw Could Do For My Own Personal Saw Trap
I’ve woken up in a foggy haze. Nothing around me looks familiar, but the feeling of dread in my stomach lets me know I’m still on BU property. A dread that isn’t even related to the giant swinging blade that is positioned over my laying body.
I cannot move, with the only identifiable object near me being a Macbook with an open Facetime call. Suddenly, a voice speaks.
“Hello, Mirna. You’re here because you’ve committed a great sin: You went to Pavement and only tipped 19% instead of the expected 20%. That’s like, fucked up. And because of it, I’d like to play a game. The rules are simple: You must–” but I can no longer hear the voice. The once booming voice has been silenced. Why? The call has paused due to poor connection. Yup, I’m not only on BU property still, but on the BU wifi. And unfortunately, I now have time to do the thing I’m best at – overthink.
What could I possibly have to do in order to avoid the giant blade from piercing through my body? What horrors could this puppet make me endure?
Would I be forced to study in the withering heat of the GSU cafeteria, sitting two seats away from someone that was there first and ultimately gaining their glares? Perhaps they’ll make me register for classes while having the last possible time slot, forcing me to select my third option classes.
What if I’m forced to write an email without using any exclamation marks? How will people know that I’m not just a girl, but that I’m also non-threatening and nice! Shit, I already lost in my article.
Or maybe they’ll not only make me call to make my own doctor’s appointment, but then drive myself and parallel park. Or worse, reverse park. In a crowded parking lot. With no backup camera. I can feel the anxiety tears pricking my eyes.
Oh god, the other possibility could truly lie in the psychological torture. This, this monster, could force me to watch my go-to middle school movie, The Perks of Being a Wallflower. And you’d think that couldn’t be too bad, right? But instead of the whole movie, I would just be shown the scene where Charlie is dared to kiss the prettiest girl in the room, and kisses Sam instead of his literal girlfriend next to him. You cringed from me just describing that, huh? Exactly. God gives his toughest battles to his strongest solders, but I’m simply a weak cadet.
But you know what, nevermind those. That’s chump change to the real evil that could be facing me. That damn puppet will likely test me and make me… have to realize someone is hitting on me. And I’ve never done that before! Like, how was I supposed to know that when a guy says I’m “the most perfect and beautiful girl ever,” he didn’t just really like that I recommended him to watch Avatar: The Last Airbender? It’s a good show!
It’s too late though, I’ve run out of time. When the call has reconnected and the voice returns, I am welcomed with this image and my true saw trap gets revealed: “You have to watch a movie you’ve never seen before… WITHOUT looking up the plot on Wikipedia while you watch it.” And really, I’d rather just get chopped in half now.
