Fetus, Due Next Week, Looking to Boost Their Resume so They Can Get into BU in 18 Years
LOS ANGELES - BU Alumni Belle and Magnus Wessex (CAS ‘16 and Questrom ‘13) are expecting their child in about one week. The couple started dating in college, broke up, started dating again, broke up again, and then married all in Belle’s first year at BU. They have been married ever since. “We can’t wait to bring our little gem of light into the world!” shared Belle.
Just because the soon-to-be parents are excited does not mean the future child will be, so in order to get the full story, The Bunion has sent a reporter into the field to interview the fetus themself. “While I’m definitely eager to step foot in the real world, I’m just feeling a little overworked and stressed,” the fetus reported (via ultrasound). The unborn baby explained that because college admissions are getting harder and harder, they’ve been trying to get a head start on their resume. “This year, my dream school, BU, had an acceptance rate of about 10%. Who knows what it will be when I’m of age.”
Baby Wessex has been working diligently on their common application essay, and boosting their community service hours by repairing some of Belle’s tissue and helping her bruises heal faster. The fetus has also been in the thick of it. “This past summer, there was a devastating storm in southern Malaysia. I flew over as soon as I could and helped rebuild people’s homes. It’s truly awful what climate change is doing to our beautiful planet.” The fetus then looked around a bit and let out a long sigh. “I think my resume is looking good so far, but who knows.”
Through our interview, the fetus told us that they hope to major in Earth and Environmental Sciences if they get into BU. However, when Magnus found out, he was not happy. “Great! Another one to the family that cares more about politics and ‘feelings’ over business and money. We’re going to be fucking poor. Fantastic.” In response, baby Wessex pulled out a blunt and started smoking. “Just wait until I get out there…”
When it comes to the difficult admissions, however, the unborn baby is not wrong: college is getting more difficult to get into. Recently, freshman Olga Syphil confided in The Bunion, telling us that she had to bribe the admission’s office with two locks of her hair and one long sniff of her foot in order to even be considered for admission this year. “I truly wish the best to young Wessex. My hair has truly never recovered.”
Who knows what Baby Wessex will be willing to do when the time comes, but for now, all we can do is wait and hope that the little fetus becomes a future terrier.