How to Tell When Someone is a Pre-cum Baby (Your Dad Couldn’t Even Finish)
By: Izzy Horney
Sometimes you can just tell when someone is the product of imprudent decision making. Pre-cum 💦. Let’s define it, shall we? Also synonymous with pre-ejaculation, pre-cum is the clear and sticky liquid released from the penis 🍆when sexually aroused. The vagina is very acidic. Not like a lemon you silly bean 🫘, but low in pH (for all of you STEM girlies 😉). The pre-cum neutralizes the acidity of the vajayjay and makes it safe for the little swimmers to fly up the canal and latch onto those eggies to make the cutesy little goo goo ga ga baby boo boos.
Now we all know about the pull-out method. Better known as coitus interruptus (WebMD). The pipi must be removed from the hoo-ha before any semen is released. The timing and precision of this venture are not to be underestimated. Most men have sperm in their pre-ejaculate fluid, making the birth controlling effect of the pull-out method supremely bad on its own. Yanking your party popper 🎉out of her Suez Canal before you frost on her cinnamon rolls might not be the safest bet. Try condoms or a vasectomy ✂️if you really “only like it raw.”
Now that we have pertinent background information regarding pre-ejaculatory, let’s get into identifying the pre-cum mistakes that walk among us. Practically speaking, a pre-cum baby can take many different forms. Sure they can be big, small, skinny, or even tall. The common factor my Pinky friends?: Inadequacy. The very noun that plagues the bedroom takes its human form as pre-cum baby. Always picked last for the dodgeball team in gym class, never getting the lead in the school play, has cameltoe 🐫🦶in every pair of jeans they put on, and perpetually possesses the breath of death. They lurk on the fringes of society, waiting for acceptance that will never come (just like their poor daddy couldn’t).
These are not the nerds or the cool quirky outcasts with niche interests like noir films or entomology. Nay nay. Those children were the product of strong, Michael Phelps-type swimmers 🏊♂️. Sperm with stamina and potential. Pre-cum babies are the spawn of an ill-timed lighter fluid leakage setting fire to your mommy’s bushy forest and infesting her with shame and ruin.
Unexpected and unappreciated. Pre-cum babies never got the love every baby desperately deserves. The nursery couldn’t be set up in time on account of the surprise pregnancy, so they had to sleep in a cardboard box under the kitchen sink. Damp, sad, and alone little accidental nut 🥜. The indignity follows them through life.
Their creation story is the reason why they’ve never had a stable relationship, get scolded at their job, think stripes look good with plaid, and had their license revoked after countless DUIs 🚗. Every joke they’ve ever told has bombed 💣and their pillow is always steaming hot when they need a good night's sleep. They creep in the shadows, waiting and plotting to seek revenge on the planned population one fateful day. Who knows? Maybe the pre-cum babies will rise and take us all out before climate change has the chance ☠️