Bitch Perfect: An Investigative Look At the Dark World of A Cappella Hazing

By: Maggie McNeir

Hazing is an epidemic. For months, Pinky Toe has been undercover in BU’s greek life organizations waiting for the ugly beast of hazing to rear its head so we can finally do some real investigative journalism. But our big break never came. Months of lying in wait for a single source flew by and the worst of pledge season as we knew it was over and wasted. 

That was until Pinky received an anonymous tip from an unlikely source… BU a cappella. Our aca-whistleblower informed us that if we looked for it, hazing was rampant within the singing troupes of terrier town. Their insight proved correct. Once we knew where to look, Pinky received an influx of first-hand accounts of gruesome hazing at the hands of BU’s most musical. While the names of these groups have been redacted pending legal action, we hope that this investigation puts a stop to this disgusting practice. Listen to the victims' stories compiled here, in our tell-all exposé. #Standagainstacahazing

Morgan, 20

“I was happy once, you know,” Morgan tells Pinky Toe in our clandestine journalism meeting spot (under construction Pavement). She took a long drag off her cigarette and continued, “was in all state choir and everything in high school. I loved to sing. [Redacted] ruined that.” 

Morgan, a junior at BU, recounts her experience with aca-hazing from 2021. “They kept us in the basement of a house, forced us to sleep, shit, and eat in aca-squalor,” she looked down at the floor, stubbing her cigarette with her boot. “The nights. The nights were the worst,” she sighed. “They came down in dark robes and made us strip naked and do a riff off. Winner gets their clothes back. Losers get hosed down with ice water.” 

Morgan looked back up at Pinky Toe, a severe cast over her face, “I lost friends down there. Not everyone can riff.” 

Anonymous, 18

This anonymous whistleblower came to Pinky Toe with a harrowing tale of hazing from just this year, “you know, I just thought there would be a safe space for a straight dude in a cappella. Guess I was wrong.” While it is unclear why our source believed this, he told Pinky of his experience with an aca-phenomenon called reverse conversion therapy, in which prospective members are chained and forced to watch 2000s music videos. Our source recalls, “every time Gaga came on the screen, they shocked me. ‘She’s mother, say she’s mother,’ they whispered in my ear. I cried for the first time in years.” 

The prospective member recounts being forced to wear special arm braces, designed to keep their wrists limp at all times. “I still can’t hold a pen the right way. They did this to me. They will pay for this.”

Sarah, 19

Another victim described being fooled into participating in aca-hazing rituals. “They told us it was a beatboxing workshop. Turns out they meant bee-t boxing.” Here, groups forced prospective members to eat live bees with nothing but throat coat tea to wash them down. “I remember them telling us that the buzz of the bees would help with our vibrato,” Sarah shakily told Pinky Toe. “I’ll never forget the feeling of it slipping down my throat. I can’t believe I lost my throat-ginity to a fucking bee. I was saving myself for marriage, you know? Now I’ll sell this good-good to the highest bidder,” she remarked. 

Noah, 21

Perhaps the most damning of these aca-hazing incidents are those that cross the boundary from playfully illegal to firmly criminal. One BU a cappella alum, Noah, shared a dastardly tale of drug use, “remember when Rebel Wilson got like super skinny and everyone was like ‘ohhh she’s so on drugs this is so shocking.’ No one in BU acappella was shocked. That’s for sure.” When Pinky pressed Noah on this point, he revealed the cardinal offense of the aca-hazing scheme. “We were fucking drug mules thats what. Whatever Rebel wanted she got. I was carting refrigerated vans full of Ozempic and Xanax on long weekends. I guarantee more of the Pitch Perfect cast was in on it too. Probably Adam DeVine’s gay ass.” 

Our source stressed that Anna Kendrick (national treasure) had nothing to do with the alleged aca-drug ring. “She was the best character in the Twilight movies. No way she would pressure me into a felony. Unlike that barred-out-bitch Rebel.” Pretty valid logic if you ask us here at Pinky Toe. 

In the wake of these hazing allegations, BU a cappella groups released a joint statement in the form of a notes app apology. The statement, listed boldly under the header “these harmonies don’t haze”, states that BU a cappella groups have never engaged in acts of hazing and firmly condemn all that do. Despite this firm anti-aca-hazing stance, the statement ends in a veiled threat: “snitches don’t get solos.” 

*When Pinky Toe reached out to the BU a cappella groups they denied our request for comment.