A Baby’s Guide To Walking Since You Fuckers Clearly Never Learned The First Time

By: The Bunion Paper

Disclaimer: I mean every word of this. This article is not satire. 

I thought it was common for everyone to learn to walk when they are young, but given the disgusting walking behavior I’ve been seeing from some of you, it’s clear you idiots never fucking learned. Please for the love of god implement the following rules into your walking habits:

1) Do not walk slowly. I cannot emphasize this enough. Com Ave is not a place for lollygagging. People have places to be and things to do. This is not LA. Boston is not a strolling city. I  refuse to be late to class because your dumb ass is blocking my way down the street. I do not care that you and your boyfriend are “in love” and therefore feel there is no place you need to be. I do not care that you and your friend need to talk about Kyle or Jenny or some other asinine shit. Shut the fuck up and walk faster. 

2) Driving rules apply to the sidewalk. People walking right walk on the right side of the street, and people walking left walk on the left. This is not the UK. You should not be walking from Questrom to CDS on the left side of the sidewalk. Learn some god-damned common sense. Furthermore, while the assumption is always that you should not be walking slowly, if you find yourself being passed, move to the right of your side of the sidewalk and let people pass you on the left (just like you would while driving a car). It’s not that hard, it’s just common courtesy. 

3) Under no circumstance whatsoever should you ever walk more than two people in a row, three if absolutely necessary. If you have four people, you should walk two in two. If you have three and have enough room, you can walk three in a row, but THIS ONLY APPLIES IF THERE IS NEXT TO NO ONE ON THE STREET. Otherwise, you should be walking in a triangular formation. Do you remember the shapes from when you were little? Use them! 

4) Walk straight. I don’t think some of you got the message. Why is it that you are zig-zagging across the street like the snake in slither.io. You are not only blocking my way of getting around you, but you just look like you are drunk on a Wednesday at 9:15 am (you might be but at least try to have the decency to act like you aren't. Come on, man).

5) Do not block traffic by stopping. Ever. I expect you to be walking down the street as if you are actively being pursued by all of your enemies. If for some unknown reason you find yourself stopped in the middle of the sidewalk, you are everything that’s wrong with the world.

In future articles, I plan to talk about ways to use public restrooms quickly when there is a line behind you and how to enter and exit doors properly.