Turning Dunkin Into Irish Coffee: The Time I Shit Myself On The Parade Route
By: Kathryn Bernard
It’s that time of the year again lads. Saint Patrick’s day has come to Boston. Time for the men to bring out their Celtics jerseys and aggressively elbow you on the orange line. Smell that? The sweet scent of cigarettes and Natty Lights fill the air as you get closer and closer to paradise—Southie’s Saint Patrick’s Day Parade. As a Boston local, this is one of the greatest events the city has to offer. Bostonians yearn to stand outside for hours and watch as floats for Johnny B’s Pest Control or the Gate of Heaven Church pass by at unbearable speeds. Unfortunately, the parade was not joyous or fun for me this year, but actually really shitty.
Here is my survivor story:
7 am wake up. For some reason, Drunken Sailor was the alarm jingle I chose. What better way to start my day? I put on a Celtics crop top and light-washed jeans, a round of Rattlin’ Bog ensued. We played several times, and I left my dorm room feeling quite good.
We took the long trek on the T, chatting with an entitled BC douchebag after telling the random girl next to me that I loved her. When the T finally came to a halt, something awful happened. I yawned. Horrible right? It is only 9 in the morning.
A beautiful sight caught my eye, however. Boston’s pride and joy, Dunkin Donuts. My friends and I decided that a coffee would be needed to get through the day. As we stepped inside the exquisite cafe, my Irish ass had the greatest idea ever.
“Let’s turn our coffees Irish!”
For those of you who are not familiar with the delectable drink, Irish coffee is spiked with a little Baileys and a lot of Jameson. Unfortunately for me, my ratio was off and I put a lot of Bailey’s and a lot of Jameson into my already heavily creamed Dunkin ice coffee.
The festivities continued on as my friends and I made our way to a lovely little spot right along the fence. Vibes were high and the streets were packed. Of course, I am bound to see my old high school acquaintances and none other than my old crush. With some liquid courage, I sashayed on over to this super average-looking ex-crush of mine. Conversation began and boy it was going well until-
Grrrrrr.
What was that strange noise? I hope he didn’t hear that. I tried to ignore the monstrous noises coming from within me as I continued to chat. Suddenly, I felt a wave of heat hit me so hard, I thought I was having a hot flash. I broke out into sweats and frantically tried wiping the droplets off my face. Then the realization hit.
I was going to shit my pants.
I quickly excused myself and rushed towards the porta potties. Luckily for me, the lines were miles long. I tried waiting for a minute until I realized that I was moments away from dropping the kids off at the pool. Delivery was BOUND to happen any second now. I decided to dash towards the Dunkin, for they were responsible for this. I didn’t realize this would make my predicament worse.
Dunkin was right across the street and I just had to wait for the Dorchester youth baseball boys to pass by so I could make my dash. As soon as the last kiddo was out of the way, I started to cross the parade route. After about two steps, I knew what was happening.
I'm shitting my pants. In the middle of the road.
Feeling like Maya Rudolph in Bridesmaids, I decided to embrace what was happening and popped a squat in the road. Irish step dancers continued their routine around me, as a passing leprechaun looked at me in horror and held his nose.
One minor issue. Apparently, you are not supposed to shit in public. Especially on a parade route. My bad.
Three Southie officers approached me, picking me up from under my arms. One of them was an absolute rocket, but because of the circumstances, I figured this may not be the time to toss pick-up lines at him. They stuck me in a cruiser and sent me and my fece-covered jeans back home.
I will never live down the shame that this day has brought upon me. However, on the plus side, I have now included Irish coffee in my everyday routine. Screw lemon water! This is the only detox I need.