Gay Kid Maximum Capacity: slays and nays of Saint Patrick's Day Darty

By Abbie Garretson

Saint Patricks Day is one of my favorite holidays. A celebration of gingers (my people), everything is green (my favorite color), and it just so happens to be the day I was born. As it was to be my first leprechaun birthday away from home, I decided to celebrate the best way I know how: group orgy! However, my roommate said no (homophobic) so I did the next closest thing: Gay Darty! I gathered little green hats, liquors of every variety, and all the queer kids I like to grace with my presence. While there are some blanks of what happened during this event here are some of the highlights:

Slay: After telling my mother about my Saint Patrick's Day Orgy Darty, she bought me the only acceptable party game: pin the hose on the fire men. Me and my gay little friends stumbled around my common room with our eyes closed while attempting to place big flaming erect hoses on a 4 foot poster of dripping shirtless firemen. Let's just say he wasn't the only thing wet by the end of it. 

Nay: In my dorm room, I obviously keep a bright pink vibrating dildo suction cupped to my microfridge. I believe in high class artisanal decor. We all took turns sticking it to various places (windows, doors, tits, feet) but it was most popular to turn ourselves into phallic unicorns. Tragically, when one of my friends de-penised herself (and not in an affirming way) she was left with a perfectly circular 3 inch forehead hickey. 

Slay: As with every gay function, standing in the corner of my darty was the group of artsy gays. When I wasn't looking, one of them stole my 64 pack of sharpie markers and began drawing tramp stamps on unsuspecting party dwellers. They were, however, surprisingly well done, enhanced the sexappeal of the darty by at least 15 percent and inspired at least half the attendees to make out.

Nay: It is a rule that when you invite any gay people to a party, you have to be ready for them to bring at least 3 friends (we are scared to travel alone). As this was to be the gay darty of the year, I invited the maximum capacity of queers that I could fit inside my bedroom and common room. However, to my great dismay, everytime I turned around more and more little gay kids started spawning! While this may not seem like a problem at first, so many kept appearing that they began to pile up. There were stacks of homos all the way up to the ceilings, ready to tumble at the smallest reverb from Creep by Radiohead blasting from the speaker.

Slay: While 6 dab pens were being passed around my bedroom in a rainbow flavored smoke circle,ome of the fein-dyest of queers thought it would be a good idea to hit all of the pens at once. However, while exhaling the fattest rip known to mankind, the fire alarm in my dorm went off. While this may sound like a nay, we were able to cover up the sound with our ear-piercing rendition of Let’s Have a Kiki (Glee Version). 

Nay: While stepping over a drunk group makeout in my common roomI made the mistake of dropping my glass of pink whitney. This spill turned into a tsunami that flooded my common room and washed all the queers that inhabited my floor out of the building in a wave of eyeliner and platform shoes. And thus I ended my darty the way all gay events end: sticky and alone.