My Polyamorous Relationship With The Gays Who Pick The Music At Pavement
As one who simply can’t make up their mind, and has both a wider range of interests and better music taste than you, I’ve decided to pursue a polyamorous relationship with the most interesting people in the world: the gay baristas that choose the music that plays in BU’s Pavement Coffeehouse. They hold the immensely superlative task of constructing the ambiance in which we munch on an overpriced bagel and wash it down with an overpriced coffee. I mean, who doesn’t want to hear back-to-back K-Pop, mid-2000s emo, and PC music (in that particular order) while they sit and try to study?
BOBBY FELLOWS – My boyfriend Bobby is your All-American twink. Thin, tall, and wears Hawaiian shirts to work for some reason. His favorite drink from Pavement? An iced coffee with oat milk and vanilla syrup. Why? Because he’s gay, of course. He works the morning shift on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, and picks the music on those days. He once played seven Britney Spears songs in a row at 9 a.m., which instantly attracted me to him. Don’t tell the others, but he’s my favorite! Just wish he knew how to dress better.
GABY COMMANDO – My girlfriend Gaby has spent years crafting her goth image down to a T. No, literally, she regularly spends $250+ on vintage tees and clothes from Hot Topic. It’s the only reason she has this job. Her favorite musicians? Kittie, Deftones, System Of A Down, Korn– I think you get the point. Her favorite drink? A black coffee, cause it’s black, like her soul. Just kidding, it’s a matcha latte! I’ve learned to enjoy Screamo/Nu metal with a side of a cappuccino, and it’s all thanks to Gaby.
ASH HUNT – My partner Ash is someone I simply cannot figure out. They work Tuesday and Thursday, and every morning as I stop in to surprise them, I find myself surprised by the music blasting. One day, it was a K-Pop song I cannot remember the name of (Ash, I’m sorry, you can teach me the song’s choreography next weekend, ok?). Then the next time I walked in, “Itty Bitty Piggy” by Nicki Minaj was blasting at the loudest volume possible. This was then followed by a Miranda Sings cover of “Bad Romance” by Lady Gaga (Ash assured me this was done in a “niche, esoteric, and ironic” way). The following week I vividly remember entering and hearing the entirety of the album Hannah Montana 2: Meet Miley Cyrus. Every. Single. Song.
After our last date, I realized we are extremely incompatible. Bobby wouldn’t shut up about some random early 2000s pop culture banter that may have involved Fergie, meth, and a long conversation with a laundry hamper, Gaby spent the entire date angrily messaging sellers on Depop about offers and measurements, and Ash just kept performing K-Pop choreographies.
We just might have to break up soon. And I definitely need a therapist.