Honk-shoo: Tips to make your roommate think you’re asleep…for some reason
Honk-mememememe, honk-mememememe— oh, sorry you’re not my roommate, I guess I can let you in on my little secret. I’m not actually sleeping, it’s all an elaborate ruse for…some reason. I’m not quite sure why I started pretending to be asleep when my roommate comes out of her room, but old habits die hard.
For some context, I live in an east campus apartment — which means I share my window with the kind and courteous families touring campus, and a wall with, oh wait that’s right, I don’t have a wall in my ‘room.’ There are no barriers between me, the common ‘space’ and the kitchen. It’s quite a weird set up, but I do alright.
Back to my sleepy-time scandal, I have been enjoying the luxury of going to bed at about 11pm because I’m protecting my peace. So my fellow sleepy roommate will often wander out between the hours of 11pm and 1am to quench her thirst with some of that good good Brita water. During those witching hours, I can be found:
- Actually sleeping.
- Watching sleepy-time tiktoks (don’t ask, I’ll never tell).
- Accidently passed out on top of my laptop; clothes and contact lenses still on.
When I am in a #2 situation and I hear the pitter-patter of her feet on the floor, I know it’s show time. I have a few tips I am willing to share how I make my Emmy-nominated performance of “Sleeping Woman” (as seen on one of the couches in Euphoria):
- If you must be on your phone — which you most likely are, you little screenager — that brightness better be allllll the way down and the volume is maybe two clicks because your phone is mere inches from your face.
- The key is body language. Arm placement and flip choreography is such a crafted art, and I have mastered it. One loud and reverberating flip onto the other side of the bed will usually do the trick — it’s impactful
Okay okay, that’s all I am at liberty to disclose right now, but it seems like you have enough to fake a light, mid-day nap. But—shhhhhhh I can hear my roommate coming out for her nightly cup of water, so I have to stop typing before she hears me—honk-memememememe, honk-memememememe.