Top 5 Boston University Things That Would Send A Victorian Child Into A Coma
By Kathryn Bernard
Boston University. What an establishment. The people and sights I see around this place never fail to amaze me and often, I am left baffled. While walking down Comm. Ave the other day, I had a random thought. If I were to take a Victorian child out of their life and place them here, they would have a complete aneurysm over these wack ass things that we sheeple don’t blink an eye at.
- West Campus Dining Hall at 6 pm
Being the phenomenal host I am, I would love to drop these tiny tots in the West Campus dining hall at peak dinner time. Wednesday night. 6 pm. Have fun kiddos! Nothing better than tossing the unaware in the Lion’s Den. It is a survival of the fittest shitshow. Can’t find a seat? Try scooching in next to the kings and queens of the hightops. I’m sure they would love to sit with commoners. Watch out! Did a lanky giant just scooter over your foot to get in line for a sandwich? This chaos would for sure send any BU student into a panic mode, but a Victorian child? That’s a heart attack waiting to happen.
- COM KIDS
As a Commie myself, I have full rights to bash my people. Imagine you are a Victorian child watching as kids frolic around the playground in front of the Communications building, snapping pictures of other eccentric and quirky classmates. These children have no idea what cameras or movies are, but spending thousands of dollars to study such things? Instant heart attack. Before they drop dead though, maybe they can pose in their petticoats real quick. I’m sure the commies would love some inspiration and assistance with their homework.
- Questrom hotties in suits
Now this one is for my lady Victorians. Feast your eyes on the scrumptious, generic-looking Questrom male as he waltzes around. The sight will cause even the purest madams to have provocative thoughts before they are love-struck and sent into their coma state. But watch out ladies, these ones are dangerous. Don’t let their scooters and bubble gum-flavored air mesmerize you. Chances are, they are all douchebags. Take my advice and window shop: you can look but you can’t touch, even though the idea of touching seems quite pleasant.
- Allston Darties
Now this one could literally kill a small, little Victorian child. Let's set the scene. Beautiful sunny day. The kids are rocking at SiggySig. Cramped together, they watch as people walk by with jugs of colorful water. Sir William gets handed one that says Borg-Asm, while Miss Beatrice gets Greta Thun-borg. What do these mean? And why does the kid with frosted tips have one that says Planned Parenthood: The Aborgtion clinic?
- Barefooted Boxers in the Fitrec
And just when these poor children thought they had seen it all. I pray to god they don’t have podophobia, as the upstairs track area of the gym is full of soggy dudes with their dogs out. The sweet melody of grunts and bare feet slaps surround you as these men play Jake Paul. Oh, looky there! It’s a trail of sweaty feet outlines all over people's mats. Absolute foul behavior. Put your damn shoes on.
Shortly after I had such thoughts, I was lucky enough to actually bump into a Victorian child right in the center of West Campus. Stunned, I approached him and asked how he was still living. Perhaps they are stronger than I thought. The young man in the suspenders and top hat began speaking to me about his recent discoveries. As we walked and talked, I got a notification that my Uber had arrived. As we approached the road, the boy saw me enter my 1998 Lexus chariot. He went into a state of cardiac arrest and fell to the ground. Turns out he was not a Victorian child, but in fact, just an Amish dude.