15 Scooter Pileup In Front of West Dining Hall Puts Entire Men's Basketball Team Out of Commission

By: Morgan Oakes

Last Monday, at approximately 1 pm, BU basketball player John Smith (name changed for anonymity) lost control of his motorized scooter when he tried to ride it straight into the dining hall at 45 miles per hour and crashed into the gate at its entrance. As if this weren’t disastrous enough, all 14 of his teammates were following close behind, creating a domino effect of tall hunky men in sweats crashing down on the floor. The accident caused injuries, both physical and emotional, to all of the players. 

“The whole spectacle kind of reminded me of their game I went to a few days ago,” said a bystander, “Man, they suck. All I wanted was a nice piping hot West corn dog and they took that away from me. I won’t forget that.” 

Smith declined to comment on the event, which is believed to be the origin of the recently implemented “no scooters in the dining hall” rule. Motorized scooters have long been an issue in the BU sports community. Last September, Rhett the terrier was hospitalized after being run over by one of these vehicles outside of Agganis Arena, and the culprit has still yet to be found. During sailing season, one man drove his scooter straight into the Charles River, claiming he “did not know it wouldn’t float.” 

A protest was held on Saturday against the banning of the scooter. About 50 students showed up on their motorized scooters, riding in a circle and chanting “Stop oppressing us!” repeatedly. This protest went awry quickly, as some students brought torches to carry around on their scooters, which resulted in literal crashing and burning.

“I still think the scooter hate is out of control!” Yelled a member of the swim team whose jacket had caught on fire. 

However, many other students disagree. There has been anti-scooter uproar for ages, due to how much room they take up in elevators.

“Getting scooters banned in our buildings has been a long, uphill battle,” said a disgruntled student, “but I believe this event will teach some members of this campus a lesson.”