A List of Taurus's Lives I Have Ruined as a Scorpio
By: Jaclyn Di Matteo
Something about me is that I'm a horror, and by that I mean I'm a Scorpio. Now I don't know a ton about astrology, but what I do know I use the same way a straight man would use astrological knowledge, which is to say, to get laid.
The minute I found out about sister signs it was over for you hoes. A Taurus and a Scorpio are supposed to be incredibly compatible, knowledge I use to my advantage, but this simply doesn't take into consideration the fact that I am seriously deranged.
My Taurus Terrorization started at the ripe age of 10 with none other than:
#1 My Fifth Grade Boyfriend
Now what is there to say about my fifth grade boyfriend besides I'm not sure if this relationship even happened or if it was all in my head because I've literally been delusional since age 10.
BUT what I can say is that I am from a weird gross small town so inevitably this relationship had its time in the sun once again at 18. The thing about being a Scorpio, is that my birthday is right before winter break which is the perfect time for evil people from your hometown to hit you up again. The other thing about being a Scorpio is that I need a little kiss at all times (my parents did not hug me enough growing up).
Now you may be thinking, where is the terrorization of the Taurus?
Be patient.
The terrorization starts when I haul my little ass back across the country and find myself in a Silly Goofy Mood. By that I mean it feels like an excellent time to get really paranoid about being pregnant. Some of us have tummy aches and can't be brave about it guys!
What is a little guy like me to do besides share this joy of paranoia and the worst possible scenario with my baby daddy! Do I have an IUD? Yes, of course. Would this kid ever be born? Literally never. Did it actually exist? Of course not. But unfortunately I was put on this planet to destroy Taurus’ one at a time.
I sent him pictures of me sticking my stomach out and saying this is what I would look like in a couple of months! And then when I felt a little better Boom! Ghosted! May Fifth Grade Boyfriend rest in peace.
#2 A Situationship
Now the one thing worse than being in a situationship is being in a situationship with ME.
No further elaboration.
#3 My Literal Boyfriend
The Gay Agenda is real and I am single handedly carrying it out. I am on a mission to make my so-called ‘straight’ boyfriend queer by the end of the year.
Being attracted to me makes his brain highly susceptible to my form of conversion therapy.
While he is asleep at night I whisper the phrase, “my pronouns are he/they” into his ear repeatedly, which, I might add, has proven effective when he is intoxicated.
Since dating me he has also started wearing DOC MARTENS. Okay my he/they king! Slay!
Yesterday he texted me that he had a sex dream about a man but claims he, “wasn't very into it.” Suuuuuuuure.
I will fix him.
Now you may be wondering what is my beef with Taurus’? Let me take you on a journey, dear reader, to the very first Taurus. The First Taurus is not my fifth grade boyfriend, but in fact my Father.
The thing about my dad is that he grew up in Santa Barbara, majored in poli-sci, teaches history at a middle school that has a huge immigrant population, and despite all these factors self identifies as a “Christain Libertarian.” Hmmm ok Paul.
It may seem like I destroyed his life simply by existing as a leftist and a queer, but that feels too easy. I, too, must destroy him in a unique and effective way.
He is in many ways the final boss.