Breaking: Passive Aggressive Girl “Doesn’t Care” She Wasn’t Invited To Dinner (She Actually Does!)

By: Ian Krockel

WARREN DINING HALL— Mary Fischer (COM ‘25), who opted to have dinner alone after everyone ignored her text in the groupchat she created for some reason, has been spotted waiting in line to get a sandwich. Onlookers at the scene report terror in the eyes of Jeremy Monaco (CAS ‘25) and two friends, including Maddie Quiñones (CAS ‘24), as well as a failed attempt to avoid eye contact as they walked back to their booth.

“I didn’t even know Jeremy and Maddie were friends,” said Fischer, who is reportedly “not mad.” Fischer just “found it funny,” considering that she and Jeremy were just pointing out how Maddie doesn’t stop talking about her “fugly” boyfriend and that she made a “really bitchy” remark about Jeremy rewearing an outfit that one time.

Monaco’s stir-fry was reported to have gone unclaimed the whole night, and surveillance footage has not been able to tell exactly when each party finally left. Security guards at Warren Towers report at least two individuals crawling on all fours out of the exit, however, no confirmed time was established.

Quiñones, who declined to comment, was reported by eyewitnesses to be peering over the booth and snickering in the direction of where Fischer’s table was located several times. One report indicates the codename “Firecrotch” may have been used at one point; a press rep for Fischer (her mother) appeared confused when asked to indicate whether or not the carpet matches the drapes.

“Oh, she has red hair now?” asked Mrs. Fischer. “I guess she’s too busy and too important to call her mother for style advice. Well, if she wants that outdated Lindsay Lohan look, then good for her…”

The next day, Fischer had this to say in the groupchat: “Are you guys mad at me?” This, of course, prompted an overwhelming 0 responses. 

Experts suggest that there is a 12% chance this situation will be acknowledged by anyone besides Fischer in the next three days, and a 100% chance this will continue to be referenced by Fischer for the next 10 years when explaining to therapists why she has “trust issues” and has a “hard time making friends,” although in reality she is just an unlikable whiny bitch.