You Don’t Want the Smoke: The Drunk Cigarette Epidemic

By Lauren Matz | Photo by Lizzy Morearty

“Drunk cigarettes don’t count” is the new mantra amongst many BU students. Just when it seemed Americans were done with the cancer sticks for good, Big Tobacco came back with a vengeance. 

“It’s like a sleeper agent trigger,” one BU student testified. “I swore I would never smoke, but once I have enough alcohol in my system, the only thing that matters is getting a cig in my mouth.”

Blue razz elf bars are being replaced with Marlboro Reds, while every weekend, clusters of drunk students swarm Allston in search of a cigarette to bum.

Some experts attribute the rise partly to the success of “Ultimate White Boy of the Month” Timothee Chalamet’s recent film, A Complete Unknown. Everyone wants Bob Dylan’s cool boy swag, with a cigarette in their mouth, a vintage jacket on, and sunglasses covering their eyes.

To any Questrom majors reading this that want to get a jump start on their hustle, this growing trend offers a promising business opportunity. For some drunk white girls on Frat Row, there’s no amount they won’t venmo for a spare cig. Profiting off of others’ pain? That’s billionaire behavior baby!

This article wouldn’t be complete without opinions from all sides, so I personally interviewed a drunk cigarette. I watched as a group of drunk girls passed it around, and then found it laying on the sidewalk, a few sparks away from death.

“You know what? At least if I had to go out it was at the hands of some hot girls,” the sad cigarette sputtered out. “I could still taste the Pink Whitney on their breath… in fact, I think the alcohol got in my system too. I’m dying as a… drunk cigarette.”