BU Grants Each Super Senior a Gun and Asks Them to Make a Choice.

By Cam Hoff | Photo by Maddy O’Leary

College is intrinsically idiotic in one particularly garish way. Why in God’s name have they introduced the stupid concept of credits? Four credits per class, three credits per class, two credits per class, and guess what? Zero credits per class. Why are we asking people to add and subtract? I can’t do it and neither can you. Why don’t we have a quota of classes per semester? Hmmm, how about we try four classes per semester for eight semesters? It seems like it’d do the same fucking thing. Ok? Pushing aside my ingenuity, I’ll once again put forth a glaring issue with credits. The creation of a new terrifying breed of people… Super Seniors. 

To answer the obvious question, Super Seniors are students who were unable to complete the (on average) one hundred and twenty credits necessary to graduate. Thus, they must continue their education into a fifth year of college, granting them the infamous title of Super Senior (and are forced to pay more for their degree). 

Unfortunately, their numbers have been growing at an alarming rate. Scientists and physicians are unsure why at this moment. Are colleges across the nation just greedy want-monkeys? Has Trump been poisoning the water to make students dumber? Have teacher’s educational standards gotten too high? Are students increasingly crashing and burning out due to the high stresses of navigating the world of young adulthood? But no matter the source, Boston University decided to implement a cutting-edge solution to solve this growing crisis. They gathered each and every Super Senior into the Questrom Ballroom, gave them each a gun, and over the loudspeakers asked them to make a choice. 

No BU faculty could’ve expected what the Super Seniors did. Together, they formed a circle and linked arms. They were staring at each other, almost like they were communicating in some silent tongue. Suddenly, they simultaneously shouted, “WE WITHDRAWAL FROM OUR STUDIES!” and ran out of the building seemingly to never be seen again. 

However, next admission season all of Boston University’s previously-thought missing Super Seniors applied for undergraduate admission, noting an interest to join the ROTC. Confused, yet curious, BU admissions accepted all previous Super Senior applicants. Thus marked a new era for Boston University. It was under constant surveillance from the ex-Super Senior ROTCs. Crime dropped to zero percent and BU was hailed the safest university in the nation. When that class of ex-Super Seniors graduated, they joined the army and created world peace. God bless our troops!