What to Do if a Leprechaun Eats You
By Willa Norvell | Photo by Emily He
So you stole a pot of gold.
No big deal, you followed the rainbow, eventually meandered to the end and voila, you got lucky. If only it was that simple. Now you have a short, ginger, Irish, green clad out for your life. The crock of gold you are currently shuffling through was going to put his two kids through Agricultural Trade School, but now they may have to endure another famine. This is exactly how to avoid being eaten by a leprechaun, and if you are unlucky enough to end up in the belly of the beast, how to get out.
Don’t Pick Up The Phone.
You know what Dua said. These mischievous sprites are known for having fantastic ways with words, like “If you take my pot of gold I will eat you!” If he gets you on the phone, he will without a doubt convince you to give up the gold AND go ginger. Make sure that you don’t pull a Drew Barrymore, the leprechauns have seen every Scream movie.
2. Throw A Football Watch Party.
Did you know that there are no female leprechauns? This means they are gay. Their clade is literally categorized as fairy. NOT. WOKE. Anyways, with even a whisper of the word “touchdown,” the little fairy will freak and fly away. With the same effect as nails on a chalkboard, he will scurry away. “Oh lordy oh leary!” he will chant. History holds that leprechauns have been mistaken for footballs and gotten tossed around here and there, it's quite the sensitive topic on many levels.
3. Invite Your English Protestant Friends.
In 1517, King Henry VIII invented the conflict between British and Irish people. Leprechauns do NOT like British people… Boris Johnson? On like 29 leprechaun hit lists. And like hundreds of regular ones. They love John Mulaney though. Do NOT mention John Mulaney, the leprechaun will stay forever. Make sure that the snacks include a diverse spread of beans on toast and fish and chips.
4. Cook Him First!
If the leprechaun makes it all the way to the function, he’s probably really really mad. Time to turn the tables, beat him to the job. He is already defrosted. Kick him and hit time cook for 1 ½ minutes in a microwave safe bowl. Serve with clovers.
OH NO. YOU'RE IN THE BELLY:
There’s basically only one possible move left, and if you forgot your ruby slippers, you can forget about your St. Patty’s Darty the next day. However, if you did in fact remember them, just clack your heels together and chant “PUSH. PUSH. PUSH.” Shortly after crowning, you will rejoin the normal world, but not as a person.
As a red bearded replica.