White Men Can’t Jump: a Fit Rec Story

By Ogenna Oraedu | Photo by Yara Ahmed

A Friday afternoon pick-up game. 10 men of various heights and races. And three of the most try-hard lily white finance majors you’ve ever seen. Let’s get into it.

I’m not going to sit here and pretend to know anything of substance about basketball, call that subverting stereotypes. But I do know that white men should stop trying to exist outside of their comfort zones.

This specific story focuses on the tallest white boy in the game. A staggering 5’11, he’s already ahead of his peers. In a school of leprechauns, he’s a giant. But his avoidance of short king status doesn’t mean he will succeed in this pick-up game. It means his failures will be much more obvious to the others on the court, the elevated track, and everyone who can see him through the glass windows. This Fit Rec story could be a comedy or a tragedy. That’s for you to decide.

All he was good at was dribbling the ball and playing keep away, but the minute he had to actually contribute something valuable and really defend, shit began to hit the fan. A slight brush on the shoulder? Now he’s calling for a foul. Passing it to a teammate? The hand-eye coordination is nowhere to be found. All that boy is there for is holding a ball and looking pretty, and he isn’t very good at those things either.

But why do his friends keep inviting him? Why is he so much worse at basketball than his other cracker companions? 

They don’t know him. Like at all. He just has a similar gym schedule as the rest of them so they play nice and ask him to join so they can play a full-court game. They initially found him practicing his jump shot, missing 100% of the shots he did take. They had never seen someone struggle so hard to get their feet off the ground.

Unlike Larry Bird, John Stockton, Pau Gasol, and other white basketball players I had to Google to become aware of their existence, this white boy has no talent for the sport. He can’t hoop. He can’t ball. He can’t shoot. Like literally you people cannot do anything, especially jump.