Brown Noser? I Hardly Know Her! Getting My Ass Ate From the BU Job Listings

By Cam Hoff | Photo by Maddie Lam

Now my parents didn’t necessarily want me to go to college, but they did kick me out of the house the moment I turned 18. On the corner of the Applebee’s I sat with two random men. I was lamenting, crying into chicken tenders mac and cheese. But the man nursing the flame in the trash can said something to me I’ve never been able to forget, 

“Get the fuck off my block.” 

He was right. I needed to get away from this town. I needed to escape my memories. So, I applied to college. And here I am, barking up the BU Terrier Tree. 

I became a visual arts major in the class of 2028. It was my Freshman year and I had never felt more free. I was making friends left and right, joining clubs, and even building a rapport with my professors in their office hours. It was everything I could’ve dreamed of. I was finally out of my parent’s grasp. But there was one ugly factor that had completely slipped my mind. 

I needed money. 

Lucky for me, Boston University had this incredible resource… The BU Job Listings. Now, the website might be pulled out of an 18th century computer programmer’s arsehole, but it did its job. I looked under the tab for on-campus jobs and I saw something that caught my eye. My professor for CFA AR 222: Introduction to Painting DL Trade was looking for an assistant. I quickly formatted an email, attached my resume, and sent it off. The next morning, I woke up to a response. 

Hi Corna, 

I neid asspistant for perzonal reesan. Owerz r M-F 6:30-9. I lik ur rezume and person body. In class u r joi. Hope u sey yez. 

Best, 

P. Goldenrod 

I was stunned, such a quick response, what a positive reception. I quickly sent a reply accepting the position and I gave myself a pat on the back. Good work Carla! 

The next day I woke up excited to start my new position! I could not wait to see what Professor Goldenrod had in store for me. I attended his class hoping he would give me some more information about the job. After class, I asked him if there was anything I needed to do or bring to my first shift. All he did was wink at me and refuse to further respond. 

At 6 o’clock I left my dorm in the sewers and headed to his office. I was nervous, this was my first job ever. I didn’t want to let Goldenrod down, and I didn’t want this to affect my grade negatively. 

I knocked on his door and he promptly swung it open. He was wearing a white button up shirt, purple jersey shorts, and suspenders. It was off-putting yet slightly alluring. He asked me if I wanted any water or laxatives. I didn’t want him to know I was confused, so I just said no. 

“Are you ready to get down to business?” He asked. 

“Yes Sir, I’ll do anything in my power as your assistant to please you,” I responded. 

“Perfect, let us proceed with the brown-nosing.” 

“Brown nosing?” I said, “what do you mean by that…” 

“Ass-eating, sugar.” 

“Oh,” I blushed. “I’ve never eaten ass, but if that’s what you want, I’ll gladly try.”

He chortled, 

“You? Brown-Noser? You hardly even know her! I’m the one whose nose will be getting a little dirty.” 

And with that, my dear reader, I let him eat my ass something fierce. Afterwards, he told me to clock my hours in on the BU Student Link and that he would see me tomorrow at the same time. “Perfect,” I responded. 

Who knew the BU Job Listings were such a magical place. I keep applying to more and more jobs, hoping I can find a second position. Maybe they’ll teach me what a golden shower is!