BUPD Sends Out 3 Alerts for Leaf Drifting Into CAS Building

By Morgan Oakes

Take cover folks. This city isn’t safe anymore. Last Saturday, a particularly large, orange leaf busted through the doors of the CAS building and into the Tsai Performance Center. As friends, family, and peers were leaving Brian McSchmian’s (CFA ‘24) senior piano recital, the leaf blew into the ankle of Brianna McSchmian, his mother. 

While students screamed and ran for cover, the Boston University Police Department (BUPD) sent out three email and text alerts reading “CRIME ALERT. VIOLENT ASSAULT. ASSAILANT STILL AT LARGE,” and threw in a phone call for good measure. 

“I felt attacked, horrified, and unsafe,” said McSchmian, “I don’t know who to trust anymore. I thought BU would protect my son and I from incidents like this. Thank God for those alerts though. They’re so helpful.”

The leaf continued to blow through the CAS building, terrorizing students and faculty alike as it ripped through the halls. Luckily, BUPD arrived on the scene after an hour, armed with tasers and guns, to prevent this disgraceful menace of a leaf from ever seeing the light of day again. 

“I, for one, thought they should have reacted more aggressively,” said an onlooker, “You can never be too cautious.”