BU Guarantees Admission if Applicants Spend Their First Semester in the Hamster Wheels Powering CDS
In today’s ever-competitive college admissions landscape, BU has quietly launched a new program offering admission to students who spend their first semester running on human-sized hamster wheels powering the new Center for Computing and Data Sciences.
According to a parent whistleblower, in addition to the standard rejection, admission, and guaranteed transfer letters, some prospective students received a letter offering them admission to the school after a semester in a special “work-study” program. During orientation, however, these students were allegedly singled out and taken to a secret room in CDS to be trained in “the way of the wheel.”
As Boston’s largest green building, according to some metric apparently somewhere, the Center for Computing and Data Sciences boasts that they use no fossil fuels to power the building. They claim that “closed-loop geothermal wells provide heating and cooling.” A Google search revealed, however, that these sound super fake, while human-powered hamster wheels is a legitimate concept that has been explored by multiple youtubers over the years.
“I think this new program is preying on desperate students who have been told that they need to get into an elite college to succeed,” said current BU senior Lucy Wagner. “Like, ‘prestige’ is fake and college is a business. And if it gives my ego a little boost when I see a 17 year old on TikTok get rejected? So what… that’s irrelevant.”
BU declined to comment on the existence of such a program, but completing a secret knock on the back wall of the gender-neutral bathroom in the CDS basement granted me access to the hidden chamber.
I walked down a steep flight of stairs into a large open room that housed around a hundred human-sized hamster wheels, I lurked in the shadows for a while, creeping around to remain unnoticed. I observed the students as they ran until an alarm sounded, queuing them to switch places with a new batch of students that seemed to emerge out of nowhere.
I managed to catch a few on their way out to get their comments on the program before sneaking out with the shift change, undetected. “I’ve actually made some of my closest friends here, through the shared joy of manual labor. And I don't have to worry about finding a machine at FitRec,” said a student who wishes to remain anonymous. “I honestly don’t blame BU for trying to get the most dedicated students here… Maybe move us to a higher floor though, I think the lack of vitamin D is starting to affect my performance.”
Another student, Justin Diaz, shared similar sentiments. “I mean, BU is my dream school. Well— it became my dream school when NYU rejected me. I don't know why the administration is being so hush-hush about this. In today’s college admissions landscape, this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity more schools should adopt!”
