Stroke Your Bean: BU Police Offer New Wellness Option

By Kai Farr | Photo by Adrianna Uykan

BOSTON- In an attempt to connect with students, BUPD hosted its first therapy session with the newest addition to the force, Bean the Golden Retriever. 

Unfortunately, countless horny freshmen arrived at Nickerson Field with false hopes due to the promiscuously mislabeled title of the event: “Stroke Your Bean with BUPD.”

“I thought we were gonna jerk off with the police,” said ENG Freshman, Lucas Dunnegan. 

BUPD was initially shocked by the large turnout, but soon realized the true desire of the participants when the crowd began chanting “FUCK 12.”

“You know, I’ve heard that phrase before,” said a BU Deputy who was working the event. “But these guys, they really meant fuck 12.” 

“This is meant to be a fun and community-building event,” said a BU Police Officer, gun drawn and aimed. 

BUPD, incapable of handling the situation, sent out ten BU Alerts to the community, informing them of the onslaught of horny Freshman headed their way. 

“We figured we would just herd them towards Cummington Mall, because, you know… cum,” said a BU Security Guard who helped to direct the traffic. Cummington Mall is now closed for cleaning for the foreseeable future. 

SHS quickly arrived on the scene and jumped into action, creating an impromptu lesson teaching young students that “stroking” their partner’s “bean” may not actually be the best form of pleasure. 

This controversy is not the first of its kind here at BU. SHS was recently under fire for its Back to School Vaccination clinic at the GSU, foolishly titled “BackShots in BackCourt.”

Additionally, a number of the freshmen had been fooled earlier in the day when attending BU Band’s “Who’s Horny?” event. These students deserve ass, not brass. Do better, BU.