Bustin’ University? 5 Tips for Steamy Dorm Sex
By Anonymous | Photo by Tara Mullaney
Welcome back, Terriers! If you want to bone in a brownstone, get slutty in Sleeper, or be dicked down in Danielsen, chances are you can’t! Your roommate is probably in there doing homework or whatever. Because it’s a Wednesday night, skank. But if your roommate is currently out studying, here are a few things to keep in mind:
Those twin XL’s are not conducive to getting XL amounts of dick. If you want to lay the pipe with your Claflin Cutie, make sure you lay down a mattress pad first. That way, you don’t get bruised by your rock hard mattress.
Hang up some sensually colored lights. Bonus points if you make them red! A raunchy color that also shows your school spirit! Try putting them on the strobe effect setting to create a fast-paced and arousing environment.
Turn your life-sized cardboard cutout of Rhett around to face the wall. He doesn’t want to see what you’re about to do. Plus, his creepy, angry eyes may kill the mood.
Whip out the strawberry-flavored lube, which you got in that health center welcome bag. Oh wait, it tastes like Benadryl. The dick you’re sucking tastes exactly like world-renowned allergy medication. Now you’re reminded of that time you ate a peanut and your lips got all swollen. Remember how you had to pour a tablespoon of Benadryl into that little cup and drink it? And then you were tired for the rest of the day? Yeah. Real sexy.
Be aware: Someone in the room across the hall from you is about to light up a cigarette and point it directly at the smoke detector. Just as you’re taking your clothes off, you may hear the fire alarm start beeping and have to stop altogether. Moral of the story: It’s impossible to fuck here. Give up.