April Showers Bring May Flowers: The Real Reason Why White People Smell Like Coins and Wet Dog When It Rains
It’s the lack of melanin.
Now before you go on and try to talk to me about “reverse racism,” I’ll have you know that if I really wanted to be “reverse racist,” I would do it. In fact, I’ve been trying very, very hard to do so. But alas, centuries of systemic injustice have prevented me from doing so.
Anyway, when God made white people, he decided to have some fun. You know, the sunburns, the freckles they got “bullied” for, being ginger, etc. But with all of His fun, it seems as though the all-seeing, all-knowing Lord-of-the-most-high has forgotten that giving white people this quirky little trait would irritate everyone around them.
White people smell like coins and wet dogs when it rains because their bodies are actively rejecting the possibility of getting cleaned. This is what caused cholera, dysentery, lice, and other diseases. Their innate lack of sanitation is constantly leading to their downfall.
What’s horrible about this phenomenon is that they are seemingly the only ones who don’t know that it exists. If you took one hundred white people out of the rain and put them into a room, none of them would notice that anything was wrong. If you took one white person out of the rain and into a room with people of color, everyone would know what was wrong instantly.
And they can’t even help themselves. Everyone was so mesmerized by Tom Holland’s Lip Sync Battle to Rihanna and Jay Z’s hit song that they barely listened to the lyrics. Does “Now that it's raining more than ever / Know that we'll still have each other / You can stand under my umbrella” mean nothing anymore? She is telling y’all to stand under it, and yet you chose to disregard the tool that would save the nostrils of so many people from a day of suffering.
Listen, I’d hate for the gist of this entire thing to be that white people stink, but unfortunately, it’s the truth. It was predetermined by the man upstairs, and now we must all suffer the consequences.